Ending of the summer...and new beginning of my Journey.

And here it is....the end of August. Still amazes me how quickly this summer went by.

I know I'm writing this before the official end of August, but in my mind..I'm already moving on so why not! And nothing new is gonna happen in the next 3 days that's worth blogging anyways...at least, I don't think so. lol

Well, this month was the continuation of giving up and "mind field trip" exactly the way July ended. I had to get real with myself and those around me, who have invested time and energy and caring into my journey, just as I have- about why I let myself down. To make excuses would be pointless and another way of lying to avoid the guilt trip. And that definitely can't happen anymore!

Anyways, August started off pretty well. I was still taking summer classes and loving every second of it! It's a blessing to be able to get an education and I try and remember that every time I get an assignment I want to throw out the window. :) I worked a bunch in August and that was great. Bella was forever faithful in getting me to everywhere I had to be so that's a great thing. And "City Boy" and I were still trying to make a go of it. <--that's a whole other story... :)

The negative aspects all had to do with the journey, along with some other things, life threw my way. The gym was a foreign place to me even though I still craved to go, but couldn't drag myself there and put in the effort. The food, holy mackral...O.K. There's no good part about the food. I found McDonald's Smoothies and talked myself into thinking they were healthy....so I would go on 1 smoothie a day for a couple days at a time...Yeah, I know. Big mistake and what in the world was I thinking of McDonald's and healthy in the same sentence. Ok, so after I found out those had 70 grams of sugar in them. I felt sick. uggh. So along with the smoothies, I kept drinking the sodas I had started drinking the month before when city boy was here. Yeah, I know...Soda sobriety mission ...TERMINATED! So, the quantity still was extremely minimal, but it was all crap. Breakfast was a no go, lunch I would eat sometimes. And the nightmare of dinner...Nachos from work. I ate those quite a few times. I ate a lot, not all, and paid for it later. Yep, I knew better.

Now, the 2nd half of the month....School was over, so I had no excuse NOT to hit the gym again. Did I?! Nope. I've still been working a great amount, which I am happy about. I'm blessed to have a job where the people are my 2nd family, and they love eating my baked goods. lol Yep, I had some marathon baking sessions which means one of two things. Boredom or issues...If you guessed #2, you were right. The beginning of the long distance relationship I was in, hit a brick wall. But, as I realized, it would've never worked out, *thanks to the advice from some family and my "Box ofc Angels" and "Older brother I never had" lol I'm happy, loved and blessed. It's all good and I'm more motivated than I've ever been!!! I'm soo excited to see where life leads from here!!

So starting in September 2010, I am rededicating myself to my "Butterfly Journey". I've come incredibly far*losing over 60 pounds* and am too determined to stop now. Life is too short to quit dreaming, living and loving. I still need and want to get to know me and fall in love with me, beyond the fat. Staying positive and determined will keep me going on this journey through the months ahead. With college starting up, going back to subbing and Birch, and still dating..it's gonna be an adventure, that's for sure! Not to mention, getting my body out of starvation mode, and FINALLY getting back to the gym!!

I'm not gonna end this blog with my weight for the month. I know I said I'd be honest and I always have been. But this month, I'm gonna let it lie. I've beat myself up enough, and what good does it do to post all my mistakes in that number. I'll take the number off the scale on the 1st of September and start again from there. My new goal, beyond the numbers is to be in a size 14 or lower by 31 December. The weight will come off and I'll learn to grow beyond the scale.

To my incredible family and friends, you are amazing. To the ones that listen and make me smile/laugh, thank you. To the ones that care and allow me to care for them, you mean the world.

I'll see you at the end of September!!

Summer Marches On.....

I can't believe that summer and July went by as quickly as it did and that we're halfway done with August. WOW!

Life is good, it really is. I'm keeping an eye on my health and blood counts like I should be, keeping docs appts and taking meds like I should too. So that part is going OK, BUT I let myself kinda give up for a lil bit in July and through August. My eating was off most of the month, only met with Jojo once, cardio...what's that?! After 2 months of my weight stabilizing and not doing a thing... I just got frustrated enough to not put any effort into it. I put my effort into other things, like school, work and my social life. I think that's part of the reason my weight is stabilizing like it is...My past has shown that when I put more effort into one thing, I slack in other areas. I believe that when my classes picked up, I unintentionally put more energy and effort into getting that done, and when juggling school and work along with everything else...cardio was forgotten and I had to cancel on Jojo because of work. It was too easy to let the "journey" go since I had gone "full force" on it for so long. I'm disappointed that I've let myself go, like I have. It was just a stumbling block that I can learn how to get past, and I will..NO doubt about it.

July was a pretty busy month. Started off with one of my favorite holiday's *The 4th* and then my 27th Birthday, which was a great weekend, I got to see Tim McGraw and Lady A with my bestie! Went to see my Blue Crabs play *not enough though* :( lol Had a visit from my "City Boy" in the middle of the month, and went down to NC with Bear, before he redeployed to get some closure. I worked a lot and was still taking classes, which took up a good amount of time. As you're seeing July brought both new beginnings and reasons to smile and endings to finally get some closure, so my emotions this month have been ALL over the place. :) I'm still figuring out how much stronger I am now, and how I am changing *for the better*.

I'm realizing I'm really NOT the same person I was. I'm starting to do what I've always wanted to do...get to know me without the fat. I'm starting now, since 67 pounds of it is gone, and I have a feeling it's gonna take a while. I'm getting to know who I really am, and actually going for what I want in life, love and just in general. I'm not gonna figure it out overnight, or in a month. And to be completely honest...some people aren't gonna like it. I'm already figuring that out....

I'm not a doormat or a pushover. I can't stand drama or people who cause it. I love that it's the little things that make me smile. I'm still trying to figure out how to forgive and forget. I've made mistakes and hurt people and I'm trying to make up for it now. I believe in Karma and that no good deed is overlooked. I'm letting go of toxic people in my life, no matter who they are. I believe in being grateful and appreciating what you have already been blessed with. I'm craving to do more volunteer work and start giving back, I'm hoping to volunteer more very soon. I bake for others because it's just one more way of giving/sharing love to those I care about. When I say "I Love You" I mean it. I try and keep a positive outlook all the time because life is too short for wallowing in self pity. I'm blessed to have the opportunity to get an education, and can't wait to see where it leads me. I wish I had learned to be "financially smart" earlier in life. I take responsibility for my mistakes, not anyone elses! My self esteem is still really low, but I'm trying to figure out a way to change that. I hurt when I see other people who are more overweight than I am and it makes me sad because I know what that pain feels like.

When I finished June I had gained a pound and was at 242.5. When I finished July...I was at the SAME WEIGHT! My clothes are still fitting better and the 18 denim skirt I got from Old Navy is big on me, so I know I'm losing inches, which was awesome! My goal is to be 199.5 or lower by 31 Dec 2010. God willing, hard work and Jojo's patience, I'll do it!!

I remember saying, "I'm not gonna change, I'll just be smaller" I'm grateful that's not true. I'm working on being a better person, inside and out.

Can this be anymore frustrating!!

As I was going through my mid July changes to show great results I realized I hadn't written my June update.

June was just another month....nothing new really. School (job) ended, so I found myself with only working at Birch. Jojo still kicked my butt and was the keeper of my sanity, and the cardio was still a part of my routine. See..nothing new...

Eating, like always, still remains to be a daily struggle. That's no big surprise, but it gets old. According to Jojo, I'm still not eating enough, which could be one of the reasons my weight didn't move the whole month of June!! OH MY GOODNESS..I can't stand it!! I'm trying my best to do what I need to do. I'm on month 6 of my "soda sobriety". I don't drink any sodas of any kind, regular or diet. In addition, I gave up the sweet tea and stuck with my favorite 5o calorie diet lemonade *made with Splenda* from Chic fil a, if I need a change. Water with lemon is necessary, but can get boring. :)

My body is changing, I do know that. The strength training is paying off and I need to remember that, but good gravy it's hard. I don't see the change in my body that others are noticing, I still see myself as "really big" even though I know parts of me are smaller. My arms and legs have changed, I know that. I've gained muscle and I love every minute of it. My endurance has risen and that is awesome. Cardio is fun, because I can push myself farther than I have in the past.

I'm blessed and I try to remember that multiple times every day. I'm truly blessed beyond measure. My mind along with my body is still a work in progress and will be for the next year or so, but I have the support that's needed to see me through it.


The weight part is the part I hate admitting...and like Jojo always reminds me, it's the inches that he cares about. I haven't measured inches since I was at Jenny Craig years ago, and I wish that I had at the beginning of my journey. As a life long "fluffy" girl, I have been so used to measuring and keeping track of my successes via the number on the scale. So when I see in the past 2 months that the number hasn't moved or GONE UP! It's frustrating!! I try to never forget where I've come from and where I am now...nor where I'm headed. I'm excited and a lil scared about the life that is ahead of me. I started out this month at 241.5, i ended the month at 242.5, so I gained a pound. I don't know if it's because of the muscle/fat ratio, or because my body is still in starvation mode. I just don't know.

This journey is still an obsession in my life, and I've come to realize it will always be in my mind. I will ALWAYS have to monitor the things I eat, the amount of exercise I maintain and my general mindset. This journey is definitely a life long journey. It's a common one for a lot of people, but I'm praying I have the strength to "motor on through". I never want to get back up to 309 pounds and be as unhappy as I was. I'm still working on the happiness and loving myself part of this whole thing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy. Life is GOOD!! God is good!! I love school, blessed to have a job, family that I love, friends I adore, and am getting more and more "comfortable" in the dating scene. I'm getting my priorities straight and praying for the best. But there are obviously still times when I get down on myself. Regretting my past is a waste of time since some of my choices have made me who I am today. I would definitely do things differently if I could. I'm staying around positive people and trying to avoid negative situations and people in my life.

Life is too short to deal with drama and people who are negative and discouraging ALL THE TIME! I have patience, but when people don't want to help themselves get out of the life that they don't like....there's only so much I can do. I love my family and friends, but I HAVE TO WATCH OUT FOR ME, too!

I saw a quote recently on an Eating Disorders Recovery FB status from Mary Kay Ash, that said "If you think you can, you can. If you think you can't, you're right." What a simple statement that is incredibly true, and worth putting on a bathroom mirror. :)

I'm feeling ok with how July is going so far, I am. But that'll have to wait til my next monthly update. :)

Thanks for reading, y'all!!

May turned into "Confession Month"

As I said in the beginning of my "journey", I have to be completely honest with myself and everyone around me for this to work. I've been pretty open and honest, up til now. I also thought I was handling things pretty well so far too. Apparently, I was wrong....


May started out a little different than the other previous months. In mid April, I started noticing I was feeling more depressed than normal, and I know I don't like who I am when I'm depressed. Well, I figured it was just a bump in the road that would pass. It did, but it was a bigger bump than I thought, and it lasted for about a month. By Mother's Day, I was done with everything. I didn't want to get out of bed at all. I would go to work, stopped going to the gym for days at a time, and didn't want to talk to anybody. Those who saw me, wouldn't of thought anything was wrong. I realized that the reason I was becoming more and more depressed was because I was harboring a secret from EVERYONE. Those who know me, know how stubborn I can be. And know how I will "try" to deal with things on my own without asking for help. Well, this time it backfired on me and I ended up needing someone to know. My secret came out in a way that was more scary than I would've liked.


Mid-May I went to my training session with Joey. I was happy to be back with him, since I had missed about a week with him, mainly because I cancelled on him and he was travelling. Well, about a half hour into the training session, I started to get lightheaded and very dizzy. My muscles completely tensed up, couldn't move and vision was gone. I passed out because I was dehydrated. I was dehydrated because in the past 2 months I had been mixing my non eating habits with diuretics and laxatives. In all the questions from the paramedics, it all came out. I was scared, but at the same time, I felt relieved that it was finally out that I had a problem.


I've never had a healthy relationship with food, EVER. I either ate too much of it, or not enough of it. About the time I hit the 20 pounds lost mark, I've been afraid the weight's going to come back on. About this time, I started losing my appetite. I just wasn't hungry, really. I would go days and not eat and I "felt ok". That started the dangerous pattern of not eating for days. I learned that my body can go days without food. I would drink massive amounts of water and my "food" when I actually chose to eat, was sugar free foods and no calorie foods in very small quantities. I still weigh EVERY DAY, two or three times a day.


This journey has become an obsession.I think about it NON STOP. I'm so scared this weight is going to come back, my eating disorder just gained momentum and became more dangerous. I have to call Joey and ask him if a peach is ok for a snack or eat the "Sugar Free" Peaches in the fridge. I'm the gym, more times than I'm out of it and I hit the gym if I eat something "bad".


My parents and Joey, asked me why I started the laxatives. I knew that I could drop "weight" by using the laxatives. What started out as once a week use, became something I used every day. I didn't realize I was also depleting my body of any water intake as well as electrolytes that can effect my heart. Even now, I wish I could tell you that I threw them away and will never use them again. I can't. I can't promise that and keep my word. Which is why I'm getting help from a doctor who specializes in Eating Disorders. I haven't met with her yet, but I pray she'll be able to teach me what no one has been able too yet. I'm actually eating, I have to eat in front of people and can't throw food away until my plate gets checked. I'm making an effort to eat a couple bites of food I know is healthy. I'm still at the gym every day for an hour or more, and am actually OFF THE GATORADE!!! I can now drink water during my workouts and I feel incredible afterwards!! Amazing what a little food and a break with the diuretics can do. I know..I know..not funny.


Don't get me wrong, LIFE IS GOOD! I know I'm blessed!! I have 2 jobs I love. I have the best family and friends a girl could ask for including a trainer who refuses to give up on me. I'm even starting to live life again. I know I have to take the time to take care of me, and get my health straighted out, but I'm enjoying the girls nights out with my bestie and dating when the opportunity arises. Even I didn't expect this to be any part of my "Butterfly Journey", but now that it is, I need to take care of it and "keep on, keepin' on". I have the right to be proud of myself for the parts of my journey I completed in a healthy manner and worked my butt off for. I know I do. I've lost a great amount of weight, so far. I know I still have a long way to go, and now that I'm learning to take it "One Step At a Time" as the Jordin Sparks song says, things will go a lil better, I have to believe that.


My weight started out this month at 249. I am now at 241.5. That's 7.5 lbs for the month of May and 67.5 pds all together. I have to be ok with that. My body is adjusting to a more healthy lifestyle, after months of depriving it of what it needed. I know I can take off the next 2.5 pounds to hit the 70 pd. mark. And then hopefully and God willing I can take my body down to 229 by the end of June.

Until next time, I'll leave this quote that I got off the ED website....

No road (to recovery), is too long for him who advances slowly and does not hurry, and no attainment is beyond his reach who equips himself with patience to achieve it.
~Jean de La Bruyere

Keep on Rollin....

April ended just as quickly as it got here. It's amazing how quickly 2010 is going by us. It was a busy month, and another month full of changes and realizations.

I know how blessed I am. I am grateful and amazed how much so, sometimes. Life has it's ups and downs, and the obstacles we don't think we're ever gonna be able to get through, but life goes on and those obstacles pass. As this journey continues to progress, I am learning more about myself and about life. We only get once chance to live the life God gives us on earth. And it goes by too fast, to allow the thoughts and judgements of others control how I live it. My life is mine to live. God knows, I'm not perfect, he made me that way. Only He understands a "heart like mine", and He loves me anyways. It's not my place or my right to judge others, so it's amazing how they think they can judge me. At 26, I am just starting to LIVE life. Smiling and laughing at every opportunity, keeping a positive attitude *unless a girl in a Trailblazer cuts in front of me, almost hitting my car.* :)

April was another month with ups and downs. I missed about 2 weeks at the gym with JoJo, either because I was sick, or had work/school stuff to do. I got back on with him and started going more regular, the last week of the month. It felt really good to get back. It's amazing that a place I hated going to, is now the place I run to when I need to think or need to work off frustrations. I love being able to go. For example, the other night I was having relationship issues and I knew if I did my normal "baking therapy", I would've eaten the cookie dough *minus the choc chips, since I don't like chocolate*. lol So I ran in my room, grabbed my clothes and at 2230, I walked in the gym, and told Jojo what was going on. Got on that treadmill, then on the bike and worked everything I was thinking off. I was in the gym for 2 hours that day, and it felt great. It gave me such a powerful feeling to know that I MADE the decision to do something active, me, myself and I made that decision. WOW, how awesome.

Now, in all this positive energy, and attitude...don't think I have overcome all the negative energy. I haven't. I still have my moments where I go back into that depressed mode, and it scares me...because I know what my life was like, during that time. The difference now is that I know there's another ME, that I like better. And my self esteem will go up as the weight comes off, and I can teach myself to see myself and life's choices differently. It won't be easy to change my thought process, but it'll be worth it in the end!

Between dating, going back to subbing, STILL not eating enough and not being able to go to the gym...I didn't think I'd do as well this month, and didn't weigh in for 2 weeks. That whole not eating thing is a hard habit to break. I swear Jojo is gonna kill me one of these days...bless his heart, he tries to get me to eat, ANYTHING. lol And now I even freak out over having to drink the Gatorade. Now, this is a no no, because I have to drink it during my workouts to keep my blood sugar up, or I get introduced to the floor. That was a scary experience, and one I'd rather not repeat. But I'm doing better with the eating thing, and when I learned that because my metabolism is FINALLY starting to speed up, I need to eat..in order to lose. It's given me a different perspective. It'll get easier..I know it will. :)

Now onto the weight part. I started off this month at 259...I ended April at 249. So a total of 10 pounds lost for the month, and 60 pounds total!!! Amazing!

Can't wait to see what May brings...God is GOOD! Life is GOOD!

In like a lion...out like a lioness... :)

Oh where do I start?! March was INSANE!! God is soo good! Lots of changes some great some not so great. March started off with a bang literally. :) As most know, while driving down 210, my car decided to die on me. So, my baby was donated to Purple Heart, and I found a 2007 Ford Mustang, that is so much fun to drive. This was truly the month of new beginnings. First a car, than a job opportunity that has turned into a job that I adore!! My hours are ideal. I work 0600 to 1400 everyday, which means I'm in bed by 2030 and up by 0400 *out the door by 0450*. It's been an adjustment for sure, but it's been worth it!
The only downfall to the new life is trying to find the energy for the gym and staying motivated with my schooling. Joey, my angel, found time in his schedule, and we ended up switching gyms and times so that I'm not working out on Monday night's anymore. We now meet at WG in Prince Frederick~10 minutes down the road from where I work, and will still meet on Friday's at 1530. I also go during the week/weekends to do my cardio, and will slowly work that back in to more days a week.
Another one of the not so good changes, was that I picked up the habit of not eating again. This is a habit I developed in October and my body got so used to it, that starvation mode was normal for me. Well, this month as I picked up the nasty habit, I gained 6 pounds of "fluids" that Jojo said would come off WHEN I started eating again..and I'll be..he was right.
My weight at the beginning of this month was 261. Got down to 259, and then gained the 6 pounds. Before I gained that weight...I HIT 50 POUNDS LOST!!!! I'm back down to 259. That's insane!! My body is changing so much, the inches are just coming right off. I've gone from a size 26 to a size 18!! I haven't been in the "teens" since about 8th grade. I'm in XL shirts and can now shop in Old Navy and Target in the normal women's sections!!! I'm so excited!!!
I've also been having fun dating. I've met some great guys, and am having fun just chatting, going out and enjoying being 26. :) My ex and I are working towards getting our friendship back. The Marines are helping him and it seems to be doing a lot of good! I'm proud of him but I know that we won't ever be back to what we were before. I'm still working on being ok with that. I know what I deserve and am learning to "Love yourself like gold, and expect others to love you like platinum." ~Jojo quote :)

As always, I'm very thankful and blessed to have the family and friends that I do. You have been incredible to have with me during my "Butterfly Journey".

If you have something that you're trying to achieve...DON'T EVER GIVE UP!! You are worth the fight and challenge it may take for you to achieve your dreams and goals!!

End of February..ALREADY!

As I sit here on 1 March, I can't believe February went by as fast as it did. WOW. It was a good month overall. :) Subbing, school, and the gym was on hold all during the incredible amount of snow we got for the first part of February. So the end of the month was all trying to get back into the swing of things. During all this my ex worked his way back in the picture, so dealing with that has been an interesting ride. I've changed...we both have, but to lose 10 years of a best friend and a relationship is a hard pill to swallow. Life will work out the way it's supposed to. Keeping a positive outlook on life and making sure I don't stray from my goal has been key this month. For those who've been asking..my health is good. I've been keeping up with my annual appointments for scans and blood work so nothing can sneak up on me. I never want to hear the diagnosis I got 2 1/2 years ago...scary stuff. Any who...
February was a positive month as far as the eating and fitness goes. The middle of the month I went to one of my old friends from the old gym..and asked if he could train me. I could've done it myself, but no one gets the kind of progress from me that I'm looking for, except for my trainers. He's been a God-send and I actually look forward to seeing him at the end of my day! We work out twice a week, Monday's @ 2100 and Friday's @ 1530. It's been awesome to get to work out with the boys again. My competitive nature wakes right up..it's an awesome feeling!! Eating was interesting...I'm still trying to tell myself it's OK to eat. Somewhere over the course of the last 7 months, I had talked myself into not eating very much because I would just gain weight. My head was messed up when it came to eating. Joey looked at my food journal and said it sucked because I wasn't eating enough. I had to tell him, how scared I was that I was going to gain the weight back. It's not a great feeling, but I'm getting over it. Now when I'm mixing my cardio with strength training and writing down EVERY THING that I put in my mouth, I'm a little more confident about being able to eat the right things and still lose. I never paid much attention to calories or sugar..or ingredients..because I just didn't care! Now I know I HAVE to have control over what I eat in order for this to work.
Now down to the weight....I started February out at 269. As of 1 March, I'm now 261.5. That's 7.5 pounds lost in a month, and 47.5 all together!!!
Now that's progress!!! And it's only the beginning!!

Like normal..I'm very blessed and thankful for my family and my incredible friends who have given me encouragement and amazing support throughout the first "documented" 3 months of this journey. THANK YOU!! I LOVE YOU more than you'll EVER know!!
Have an awesome March y'all!!