February Frustrations....and some successes

It's March!!! YAY!!! So excited for the bitter cold days to be a thing of the past. Although, I'm still grateful for any day the Lord blesses us with.

The fact that it's already March, is craziness! 2011 is just flying by. Not too much happened in February. There was still work to go to, school to do and weight to lose. The beginning of the month was the most stressful. The first 2 weeks, I didn't lose a pound! I stayed steady for over two weeks before dropping anything. That was so frustrating. Working out a couple hours a day, and eating right and not seeing it pay off, it's hard to want to keep going. But I knew I had come too far to stop. I have too much to lose by putting the weight back on.

Amazing thing about February. I hit my lowest weight in over 12 years. That's been my goal for a long time. Just to see that number again, would give me so much hope about seeing myself to the end of this journey. It's an amazing thing, when I can see the "end" in sight. The end being my goal weight, since this journey will last forever. Just because I'll lose the weight and get healthy, I will always have a battle with my weight problems. I know how to control it now, and I know what kind of life style I need to lead in order to achieve it.

As I've said before, this journey is not just about losing weight. Along with being a physical journey, it's also a spiritual and mental one as well. God is an amazing God, who has loved me through all the bad and good, and who is forever faithful in His plans for my life. I wasn't open to those plans when I was depressed, because I was focused on me. I was wrong for having that selfish attitude and know my heart needs to crave Him and be patient for things to happen in His timing. I Love my God. He has made me understand that I am worth more than what I've let myself accept. I took less that what I deserve and let myself get used and abused more than once. That frame of mind isn't an easy one to change. I can see my self worth going up. I know that even with all the bad things I've done and said. He says... "Child, you're forgiven and loved!". Now life is about paying it forward. It was before, but even more so now. The walls are coming down and I'm not on the defense, as much. I don't let myself get used or put in those situations anymore. For the FIRST TIME in my life..I'm starting to love me. It's a great feeling!

Now, on to the weight portion of my ramblings.... :) At the beginning of February I was 239. At the end of February I am now 233. That's a total of 6 pounds for the month of February. And 76 pounds total!! Most importantly, I surpassed my lowest weight of 238 by 5 pounds!!!! And I'm also 3 days away from 5 months of soda and alcohol sobriety!!!

I didn't hit my goal of 229. But that's ok. I'll hit it next month and surpass it then. I have faith in myself and know it'll happen!

Thank you soo much for your hugs and kisses, words of support, encouragement and kindness. It doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated. You are all blessings in my always crazy, amazing, beautiful life, and I'm thankful for you!

There are so many things to look forward to! Weddings, babies, birthday's, SOMD Blue Crabs 4th season, Universal Orlando trip, just to name a few...

God is Great! Life is good, it really is!

2011...Will be my year!!

Hey y'all! Here It's the 2nd day of February, and I can't believe that the first month of 2011 is already over! Wow!



Like most of you know, I'm still on my "Butterfly Journey". I am so motivated and blessed! This isn't always my attitude, but life is good! :)



I started out January with a new outlook on life. I was quite frustrated because my health issues were getting in the way of my weight loss. It was frustrating as all get out. I would get very discouraged because I think for the first time I was doing everything right. I was hitting the gym, tracking what I ate on Weightwatchers.com and I still wasn't losing. So I went to the doc, got put on some new meds, did some things different and the weight started to come off. I could breathe a little better, then.



My faith has a lot to do with my journey. It's NOT just a weight thing. It's a mental, spiritual along with a physical journey. It's a journey that needs to take me thorough the rest of my life. God is an awesome God, and I need to honor him with my mind, heart and body. He's only given me one, after all. :0)



Life is given so that we can live, love, laugh, worship, dance, cry...everything that makes up this awesome, sometimes crazy, almost always beautiful life. Being the weight I was a year and a half ago, there's no way I could say I was living. I was failing out of school, getting out of bed to only go to work and school, had an eating disorder with no faith of recovery, and was in a relationship that I shouldn't have been in. My non-relationship with God along with my weight and depression was the reason I wasn't living. As I face 2011...I'm in a much better place! I'm closer to God than I've ever been in my life. I treasure the relationships close to me and I make an effort to actually LIVE life. I'm a long way from where I need to be and crave to be, but I'm getting there, step by step.



I'm blessed, more than I have any right to be. I have the most beautiful family ever, the most amazing, loving friends, a couple great jobs, the chance to work out a gym and a great place to take a Zumba class a couple times a week.



This year is MY YEAR! I can't wait to hit my goal weight this year. I believe in myself and I believe that with God's never failing love and belief in me...I can be healthy and finally LOVE ME. I'm looking forward to spending time with my best friends, including some that I've reconnected with, and some new ones! One of my bestie's weddings and meeting her new addition to her family later this year, a trip to Universal Studio's in June with a guy I've fallen in love with. Also showing my parents and those around me that I'm not the weak, dependent, person they think I am. I have the ability to stand up on my own two feet and I take responsibility for the things I need to. I'm showing myself all the time that I can do things I never thought I'd be able to do.



WEIGHT UPDATE: OK here goes....I started off January 2011 at 249 pounds. I finished it at 239 pounds. I lost 10 pounds!!! TOTAL LOSS: 70 pounds!! Those 10 pounds came off with sweat, tears, laughs and a couple *grr's* along the way. lol



My goal for February is to see the number 238 on the scale..and surpass it by 10 pounds * 238 is my lowest weight as an adult* , to go to 2-3 Zumba classes a week, do 45 minutes of cardio a total of 4 days a week. I hope to strength train 2 days a week. I'm still on weight watchers so that covers my food part....which is still "under construction".



I'm so blessed in this life. I'm more blessed than I have a right to be. My God knows the desires of my heart, and with a little patience and prayer....I'm praying all will work out. :)



Thank You all for your love, support, encouraging words and big hugs...I appreciate it all!!



Love each other and yourselves!! You are worth soooo much! :)



See you at the end of February!!!

Looking UP..and forward, once again....

WOW...It's been quite a while since I've seen this screen. I haven't written a blog since the end of August. That's crazy! I decided in the beginning that I was going to write once a month, whether good or bad came out of the month. Well, that was before I decided to take some time off *cough* slack *cough*... for about 3 months. Now, it's not like I needed the time, considering that the summer was pretty much a "Butterfly Journey" vacation. When I got on the scale in September I discovered I had put over 20 pounds back on!!!! Yep, not just 5 or 10 back... more than 20 insanely stupid pounds. I was so frustrated, sad and mad and everything in between. I felt defeated. Somewhere along this journey I gave up and didn't care.....I had lost my "fight".

As I try and say every time I write, I'm blessed! More than I can possibly express. Life is good! It's changed, like it usually does. But, when I remember where I've been and where I am NOW, in the present, LIFE IS SOO GOOD. God is an amazing God and I praise Him for allowing His hard headed, some times impatient, good hearted child to come back to where she belongs. It's taken me far too long to realize how far I strayed, and it took my "special buddy", to help bring me back to my faith. And no matter what God means to happen with my "special buddy" and I...I will always be grateful to him for truly leading me back to God. I'll get into that guest of the month later.....but back to the topic at hand. :)

When I last posted at the end of August, I was kidding myself to think that my mind was back where it needed to be. I wanted it to be there, but I know now...I wasn't even close. I didn't start going to the gym again and it would take another two months before my mind would be in the place it needed to be to kick my butt into gear. I do have to say I regret all the time I "wasted" in between May and October. Although, I see now that it allowed me to be grateful for the journey I'm on and realize that I can see this through and get to where I need to be. I'm excited for the road ahead. I believe that has to do with getting back to my faith and also finding the "inner strength" inside of me. I know I can't do this without God, my family, my friends and MYSELF. I have to take responsibility and remember that it's mind over matter. The only things that excuses accomplish are wasting time, and lying to myself.

To say that I'm already 100% back to working out and finally have my eating on a normal schedule would be lying. So, I'm not gonna tell you that. I've been making changes, changes that I know need to last for life, not just for the journey. I've achieved 77 days of "soda sobriety". That in itself is a big thing for me. So it's back to water and Chick-fil-a Diet Lemonade, sometimes tea. Eating is still a daily struggle and I know it's gonna take some time to get to where I feel comfortable with food to have a "normal" relationship with it. To help with that I re-joined Weight Watchers for the 100th time *it seems* on the 16th October. I knew I needed help developing a normal schedule and also to, tell me what to eat. WW gives me a guide and, tracking my food helps with losing. Tracking my food gives me a sense of control and stability. On 29 November, the whole program changed and now is the "Points Plus" system. I'm still getting used to having even more points to eat, and what each food's new point value is, but I'm getting there slowly. I haven't gone to a meeting since Points Plus started, so I need to get back to that. Accountability is important, and I forgot that along the line somewhere. As far as the gym goes, well....I started going back and know that I need to get a weekly/monthly schedule going for my workouts. I miss the weights and know I need the cardio and strength training combined to get the weight off.

As I said, life is good and I'm so incredibly blessed! My health is ok, it's been worse...so I'm blessed to be where I am now. Migranes are still there, my asthma has been acting up and that's been difficult to deal with since having to do double doses of breathing treatments knock a lot out of me. But, you do what you gotta do! :) Work is good. I'm subbing with the county still and working Birch as well. School is school. I can't wait for Spring Semester to start. I'm so thankful to be able to get an education and as much as I could kick myself for not being done with it already, I know I'm heading the right direction and am excited for the end result to come.

I've also been trying to be patient and wait for God to send the man after His own heart, to come steal mine, so that's been interesting. My "special buddy" has been in my life for quite some time. We sent little emails to each other but I never thought much about it because of the distance. After a 5 hour conversation followed by many 4 hour conversations, in early November I boarded a plane to WA to go see him. It was a good weekend, and we're "friends" waiting to see where God takes this "long distance thing". The door is still open though....for who ever God wants to bring through it. As I said earlier, I have to thank my "special buddy" for bringing me back to my faith. During our first 5 hour conversation, I brought up my youth group, and it all started there. A couple conversations later, we decided to start bible studies over the phone. That's been awesome and I've remembered I have an identity in God and no matter what happens with my "special buddy" and I...God has my heart and life in His hands.

So, my "Butterfly journey" has had some ups and downs over the last 7 months. I've lost 14 pounds *of what I gained back* since the beginning of October, so I'm excited to see that I'm back on track and 9 pounds away from my lowest weight. So here it goes.... I started this journey at 309 pounds, my lowest weight was 238 pounds, I'm now 246. That's a total of 63 pounds lost.

Even in all the frustration and time lost, I'm so grateful and blessed to be where I am now. I find myself making different choices than I did before. My endurance is so much more than it was before and it makes me smile when I realize the difference. Walking in NYC in the beginning of December was just one light bulb moment. I remember a couple years ago, going up there and being very winded trying to keep up and hating to walk because of that, and this time it was like a whole new world. I wasn't getting winded at all, and I enjoyed being active. The only thing about NYC that I don't like AT ALL...are the crowds. Holy mackral my anxiety was through the roof...but I moved past it, and lived in the moment of being in NYC at Christmas time and got through it fine. :) Another example is that when I went to Old Town, Alexandria the other day, I PURPOSELY parked about 5-6 blocks down the street, so I'd have to WALK to get to where I needed to go. Yes it was cold *bearable* and yes I had to go up hill to get there, but it was so awesome to feel that difference in ME from before to now. I would've paid whatever I needed, to pay to park as close as I could, before the weight was gone. I'm now wanting to complete a 5k than a 10k and know I can do that and more. Getting healthy and walking/jogging for a good cause....can't get much better than that!

I'm starting again..... I'm starting from here and gonna keep going. God has a plan for His girl and I can't wait to see what it is! Being blessed with great family, awesome friends and everything else is worth it and more.

As always, THANK YOU for the hugs, love, prayers and support. I love your smiles, warm hearts and presence and thank God that each of you is in my life for the long haul. You are awesome and such a blessing! God Bless y'all!!

"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person." ~Audrey Hepburn

Ending of the summer...and new beginning of my Journey.

And here it is....the end of August. Still amazes me how quickly this summer went by.

I know I'm writing this before the official end of August, but in my mind..I'm already moving on so why not! And nothing new is gonna happen in the next 3 days that's worth blogging anyways...at least, I don't think so. lol

Well, this month was the continuation of giving up and "mind field trip" exactly the way July ended. I had to get real with myself and those around me, who have invested time and energy and caring into my journey, just as I have- about why I let myself down. To make excuses would be pointless and another way of lying to avoid the guilt trip. And that definitely can't happen anymore!

Anyways, August started off pretty well. I was still taking summer classes and loving every second of it! It's a blessing to be able to get an education and I try and remember that every time I get an assignment I want to throw out the window. :) I worked a bunch in August and that was great. Bella was forever faithful in getting me to everywhere I had to be so that's a great thing. And "City Boy" and I were still trying to make a go of it. <--that's a whole other story... :)

The negative aspects all had to do with the journey, along with some other things, life threw my way. The gym was a foreign place to me even though I still craved to go, but couldn't drag myself there and put in the effort. The food, holy mackral...O.K. There's no good part about the food. I found McDonald's Smoothies and talked myself into thinking they were healthy....so I would go on 1 smoothie a day for a couple days at a time...Yeah, I know. Big mistake and what in the world was I thinking of McDonald's and healthy in the same sentence. Ok, so after I found out those had 70 grams of sugar in them. I felt sick. uggh. So along with the smoothies, I kept drinking the sodas I had started drinking the month before when city boy was here. Yeah, I know...Soda sobriety mission ...TERMINATED! So, the quantity still was extremely minimal, but it was all crap. Breakfast was a no go, lunch I would eat sometimes. And the nightmare of dinner...Nachos from work. I ate those quite a few times. I ate a lot, not all, and paid for it later. Yep, I knew better.

Now, the 2nd half of the month....School was over, so I had no excuse NOT to hit the gym again. Did I?! Nope. I've still been working a great amount, which I am happy about. I'm blessed to have a job where the people are my 2nd family, and they love eating my baked goods. lol Yep, I had some marathon baking sessions which means one of two things. Boredom or issues...If you guessed #2, you were right. The beginning of the long distance relationship I was in, hit a brick wall. But, as I realized, it would've never worked out, *thanks to the advice from some family and my "Box ofc Angels" and "Older brother I never had" lol I'm happy, loved and blessed. It's all good and I'm more motivated than I've ever been!!! I'm soo excited to see where life leads from here!!

So starting in September 2010, I am rededicating myself to my "Butterfly Journey". I've come incredibly far*losing over 60 pounds* and am too determined to stop now. Life is too short to quit dreaming, living and loving. I still need and want to get to know me and fall in love with me, beyond the fat. Staying positive and determined will keep me going on this journey through the months ahead. With college starting up, going back to subbing and Birch, and still dating..it's gonna be an adventure, that's for sure! Not to mention, getting my body out of starvation mode, and FINALLY getting back to the gym!!

I'm not gonna end this blog with my weight for the month. I know I said I'd be honest and I always have been. But this month, I'm gonna let it lie. I've beat myself up enough, and what good does it do to post all my mistakes in that number. I'll take the number off the scale on the 1st of September and start again from there. My new goal, beyond the numbers is to be in a size 14 or lower by 31 December. The weight will come off and I'll learn to grow beyond the scale.

To my incredible family and friends, you are amazing. To the ones that listen and make me smile/laugh, thank you. To the ones that care and allow me to care for them, you mean the world.

I'll see you at the end of September!!

Summer Marches On.....

I can't believe that summer and July went by as quickly as it did and that we're halfway done with August. WOW!

Life is good, it really is. I'm keeping an eye on my health and blood counts like I should be, keeping docs appts and taking meds like I should too. So that part is going OK, BUT I let myself kinda give up for a lil bit in July and through August. My eating was off most of the month, only met with Jojo once, cardio...what's that?! After 2 months of my weight stabilizing and not doing a thing... I just got frustrated enough to not put any effort into it. I put my effort into other things, like school, work and my social life. I think that's part of the reason my weight is stabilizing like it is...My past has shown that when I put more effort into one thing, I slack in other areas. I believe that when my classes picked up, I unintentionally put more energy and effort into getting that done, and when juggling school and work along with everything else...cardio was forgotten and I had to cancel on Jojo because of work. It was too easy to let the "journey" go since I had gone "full force" on it for so long. I'm disappointed that I've let myself go, like I have. It was just a stumbling block that I can learn how to get past, and I will..NO doubt about it.

July was a pretty busy month. Started off with one of my favorite holiday's *The 4th* and then my 27th Birthday, which was a great weekend, I got to see Tim McGraw and Lady A with my bestie! Went to see my Blue Crabs play *not enough though* :( lol Had a visit from my "City Boy" in the middle of the month, and went down to NC with Bear, before he redeployed to get some closure. I worked a lot and was still taking classes, which took up a good amount of time. As you're seeing July brought both new beginnings and reasons to smile and endings to finally get some closure, so my emotions this month have been ALL over the place. :) I'm still figuring out how much stronger I am now, and how I am changing *for the better*.

I'm realizing I'm really NOT the same person I was. I'm starting to do what I've always wanted to do...get to know me without the fat. I'm starting now, since 67 pounds of it is gone, and I have a feeling it's gonna take a while. I'm getting to know who I really am, and actually going for what I want in life, love and just in general. I'm not gonna figure it out overnight, or in a month. And to be completely honest...some people aren't gonna like it. I'm already figuring that out....

I'm not a doormat or a pushover. I can't stand drama or people who cause it. I love that it's the little things that make me smile. I'm still trying to figure out how to forgive and forget. I've made mistakes and hurt people and I'm trying to make up for it now. I believe in Karma and that no good deed is overlooked. I'm letting go of toxic people in my life, no matter who they are. I believe in being grateful and appreciating what you have already been blessed with. I'm craving to do more volunteer work and start giving back, I'm hoping to volunteer more very soon. I bake for others because it's just one more way of giving/sharing love to those I care about. When I say "I Love You" I mean it. I try and keep a positive outlook all the time because life is too short for wallowing in self pity. I'm blessed to have the opportunity to get an education, and can't wait to see where it leads me. I wish I had learned to be "financially smart" earlier in life. I take responsibility for my mistakes, not anyone elses! My self esteem is still really low, but I'm trying to figure out a way to change that. I hurt when I see other people who are more overweight than I am and it makes me sad because I know what that pain feels like.

When I finished June I had gained a pound and was at 242.5. When I finished July...I was at the SAME WEIGHT! My clothes are still fitting better and the 18 denim skirt I got from Old Navy is big on me, so I know I'm losing inches, which was awesome! My goal is to be 199.5 or lower by 31 Dec 2010. God willing, hard work and Jojo's patience, I'll do it!!

I remember saying, "I'm not gonna change, I'll just be smaller" I'm grateful that's not true. I'm working on being a better person, inside and out.

Can this be anymore frustrating!!

As I was going through my mid July changes to show great results I realized I hadn't written my June update.

June was just another month....nothing new really. School (job) ended, so I found myself with only working at Birch. Jojo still kicked my butt and was the keeper of my sanity, and the cardio was still a part of my routine. See..nothing new...

Eating, like always, still remains to be a daily struggle. That's no big surprise, but it gets old. According to Jojo, I'm still not eating enough, which could be one of the reasons my weight didn't move the whole month of June!! OH MY GOODNESS..I can't stand it!! I'm trying my best to do what I need to do. I'm on month 6 of my "soda sobriety". I don't drink any sodas of any kind, regular or diet. In addition, I gave up the sweet tea and stuck with my favorite 5o calorie diet lemonade *made with Splenda* from Chic fil a, if I need a change. Water with lemon is necessary, but can get boring. :)

My body is changing, I do know that. The strength training is paying off and I need to remember that, but good gravy it's hard. I don't see the change in my body that others are noticing, I still see myself as "really big" even though I know parts of me are smaller. My arms and legs have changed, I know that. I've gained muscle and I love every minute of it. My endurance has risen and that is awesome. Cardio is fun, because I can push myself farther than I have in the past.

I'm blessed and I try to remember that multiple times every day. I'm truly blessed beyond measure. My mind along with my body is still a work in progress and will be for the next year or so, but I have the support that's needed to see me through it.


The weight part is the part I hate admitting...and like Jojo always reminds me, it's the inches that he cares about. I haven't measured inches since I was at Jenny Craig years ago, and I wish that I had at the beginning of my journey. As a life long "fluffy" girl, I have been so used to measuring and keeping track of my successes via the number on the scale. So when I see in the past 2 months that the number hasn't moved or GONE UP! It's frustrating!! I try to never forget where I've come from and where I am now...nor where I'm headed. I'm excited and a lil scared about the life that is ahead of me. I started out this month at 241.5, i ended the month at 242.5, so I gained a pound. I don't know if it's because of the muscle/fat ratio, or because my body is still in starvation mode. I just don't know.

This journey is still an obsession in my life, and I've come to realize it will always be in my mind. I will ALWAYS have to monitor the things I eat, the amount of exercise I maintain and my general mindset. This journey is definitely a life long journey. It's a common one for a lot of people, but I'm praying I have the strength to "motor on through". I never want to get back up to 309 pounds and be as unhappy as I was. I'm still working on the happiness and loving myself part of this whole thing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy. Life is GOOD!! God is good!! I love school, blessed to have a job, family that I love, friends I adore, and am getting more and more "comfortable" in the dating scene. I'm getting my priorities straight and praying for the best. But there are obviously still times when I get down on myself. Regretting my past is a waste of time since some of my choices have made me who I am today. I would definitely do things differently if I could. I'm staying around positive people and trying to avoid negative situations and people in my life.

Life is too short to deal with drama and people who are negative and discouraging ALL THE TIME! I have patience, but when people don't want to help themselves get out of the life that they don't like....there's only so much I can do. I love my family and friends, but I HAVE TO WATCH OUT FOR ME, too!

I saw a quote recently on an Eating Disorders Recovery FB status from Mary Kay Ash, that said "If you think you can, you can. If you think you can't, you're right." What a simple statement that is incredibly true, and worth putting on a bathroom mirror. :)

I'm feeling ok with how July is going so far, I am. But that'll have to wait til my next monthly update. :)

Thanks for reading, y'all!!

May turned into "Confession Month"

As I said in the beginning of my "journey", I have to be completely honest with myself and everyone around me for this to work. I've been pretty open and honest, up til now. I also thought I was handling things pretty well so far too. Apparently, I was wrong....


May started out a little different than the other previous months. In mid April, I started noticing I was feeling more depressed than normal, and I know I don't like who I am when I'm depressed. Well, I figured it was just a bump in the road that would pass. It did, but it was a bigger bump than I thought, and it lasted for about a month. By Mother's Day, I was done with everything. I didn't want to get out of bed at all. I would go to work, stopped going to the gym for days at a time, and didn't want to talk to anybody. Those who saw me, wouldn't of thought anything was wrong. I realized that the reason I was becoming more and more depressed was because I was harboring a secret from EVERYONE. Those who know me, know how stubborn I can be. And know how I will "try" to deal with things on my own without asking for help. Well, this time it backfired on me and I ended up needing someone to know. My secret came out in a way that was more scary than I would've liked.


Mid-May I went to my training session with Joey. I was happy to be back with him, since I had missed about a week with him, mainly because I cancelled on him and he was travelling. Well, about a half hour into the training session, I started to get lightheaded and very dizzy. My muscles completely tensed up, couldn't move and vision was gone. I passed out because I was dehydrated. I was dehydrated because in the past 2 months I had been mixing my non eating habits with diuretics and laxatives. In all the questions from the paramedics, it all came out. I was scared, but at the same time, I felt relieved that it was finally out that I had a problem.


I've never had a healthy relationship with food, EVER. I either ate too much of it, or not enough of it. About the time I hit the 20 pounds lost mark, I've been afraid the weight's going to come back on. About this time, I started losing my appetite. I just wasn't hungry, really. I would go days and not eat and I "felt ok". That started the dangerous pattern of not eating for days. I learned that my body can go days without food. I would drink massive amounts of water and my "food" when I actually chose to eat, was sugar free foods and no calorie foods in very small quantities. I still weigh EVERY DAY, two or three times a day.


This journey has become an obsession.I think about it NON STOP. I'm so scared this weight is going to come back, my eating disorder just gained momentum and became more dangerous. I have to call Joey and ask him if a peach is ok for a snack or eat the "Sugar Free" Peaches in the fridge. I'm the gym, more times than I'm out of it and I hit the gym if I eat something "bad".


My parents and Joey, asked me why I started the laxatives. I knew that I could drop "weight" by using the laxatives. What started out as once a week use, became something I used every day. I didn't realize I was also depleting my body of any water intake as well as electrolytes that can effect my heart. Even now, I wish I could tell you that I threw them away and will never use them again. I can't. I can't promise that and keep my word. Which is why I'm getting help from a doctor who specializes in Eating Disorders. I haven't met with her yet, but I pray she'll be able to teach me what no one has been able too yet. I'm actually eating, I have to eat in front of people and can't throw food away until my plate gets checked. I'm making an effort to eat a couple bites of food I know is healthy. I'm still at the gym every day for an hour or more, and am actually OFF THE GATORADE!!! I can now drink water during my workouts and I feel incredible afterwards!! Amazing what a little food and a break with the diuretics can do. I know..I know..not funny.


Don't get me wrong, LIFE IS GOOD! I know I'm blessed!! I have 2 jobs I love. I have the best family and friends a girl could ask for including a trainer who refuses to give up on me. I'm even starting to live life again. I know I have to take the time to take care of me, and get my health straighted out, but I'm enjoying the girls nights out with my bestie and dating when the opportunity arises. Even I didn't expect this to be any part of my "Butterfly Journey", but now that it is, I need to take care of it and "keep on, keepin' on". I have the right to be proud of myself for the parts of my journey I completed in a healthy manner and worked my butt off for. I know I do. I've lost a great amount of weight, so far. I know I still have a long way to go, and now that I'm learning to take it "One Step At a Time" as the Jordin Sparks song says, things will go a lil better, I have to believe that.


My weight started out this month at 249. I am now at 241.5. That's 7.5 lbs for the month of May and 67.5 pds all together. I have to be ok with that. My body is adjusting to a more healthy lifestyle, after months of depriving it of what it needed. I know I can take off the next 2.5 pounds to hit the 70 pd. mark. And then hopefully and God willing I can take my body down to 229 by the end of June.

Until next time, I'll leave this quote that I got off the ED website....

No road (to recovery), is too long for him who advances slowly and does not hurry, and no attainment is beyond his reach who equips himself with patience to achieve it.
~Jean de La Bruyere