As it's now the 1st of February I've come to realize that habits and trains of thought are a little harder to reverse, than I previously thought. Don't get me wrong, I know my frame of mind when it comes to what I will and will not tolerate, has changed~ a lot. I'm too old for games and drama and instead of putting up with it...I move away and avoid it. My determination when it comes to school is so far up on the scale it amazes me. I LOVE going to school! I love being able to sit in class and learn. I've remembered, that I cannot live my life with God pushed in the back of it anymore. I know, I know....what was I thinking?!?! And honestly, I don't know. He's always been there with me, letting me know it's OK and guiding me the right way...when my *hardheaded, independent side* gets the better of me and wants to go down the wrong one. He has blessed me with such amazing people in my life that I know my "cup runneth over".
At one of the first "hit a dead end" times in my life, I had an amazing lady help me with many things that I was going through. She was my saving grace and I don't thank God for her half as much as I should. She pulled me out of a dark hole that I couldn't get out of. She got me used to receiving and giving hugs again, and after the relationship I had been in and things I'd been through..I never thought I'd let someone touch me again. She gave me a hug when we said hello and when I'd leave. She taught me a lot and helped me learn a lot too. I remember sitting there and she said "If you want to play the role of "victim" go ahead. I can't help you, if that's how you want to stay. It's a very self-involved way of thinking." Well, my 21 year old self thought about that, and I decided I didn't want to "play the victim" anymore. How self involved it really was and when said out loud, how pathetic it sounded?! Wow. I've NEVER, EVER forgotten those words or the many other words of wisdom she shared with me.
As I told you before, I grew up being a "fluffy" kid. Along with that, comes some not so good things. Including peers who didn't know compassion, and made fun of someone else because they looked different than them and maybe wasn't as smart. It makes me so sad, to think of the girl that didn't understand why kids didn't like her. Who learned not to trust ANYONE because people who pretended to be her "friends" used and abused the fact that she would have done ANYTHING for those so called "friends". Inviting her over for a "pool party" and then getting out when she got in, and if that wasn't bad enough... throwing her stuff in the the pool. Inviting her to a "party" and then telling her to take (sneak) food out of her refrigerator, that her parents bought...not realizing she was supplying all the food for the pretend "party". That girl who learned to go into a room and walk down a hall with her head down, looking towards the floor, not able to look people in the eyes because she didn't want to see the people who were making fun of her...hearing it was bad enough. That's what I can't forget. I can't forget people who said they were my "friends" laughing at me and whispering about the fat girl, even during my 8th and 9th grade years at private school. So now, as a 26 year old college student sitting in the computer lab at school..minding my own business..I hear 2 ignorant 19-20 y/o girls "laughing and whispering about the fat girl". Pathetic isn't it. And it SUCKS to learn that, that when those girls are laughing I can't just shrug it off. It shouldn't matter, they shouldn't matter. I heard this said "What other people think of you, is none of your business" I agree with that and normally have no problems remembering that. This time I've had a harder time shaking it off.
The great thing that comes out of all this...It just fuels the fire to get this weight off finally. I'll weigh in before going to the gym later today. January wasn't the best month....I didn't get to the gym as much as I should've and I didn't eat so good either. So i'll take this new month as a new start. I'm SOO not taking my January issues into February. :) This is GOING to happen. For once in my life, I'm going to start loving myself WHILE I love the others in my life. I can do both. I'm worth it. I know I've gained about 2 pounds this month while dealing with the "demons in my mind". Thank GOD for the jewels in my life that make me smile and to see their smiles and feel their hugs makes my heart overflow. My cup truly runneth over!
Thanks for letting me vent and riding along this ever changing ride, that God willing, will create a beautiful Butterfly for this journey called life.
Have a wonderful February. "BE the change you wish to see in the world" ~Gandhi
