So, last Thursday I weighed in at 264. This Thursday I'm down to 259. So that's a good start. I had an idea this week, since I have many motivators on this journey. The idea I had was to be selfish a little bit. Many have heard about the 52 week savings plan. Its now week 4 and I have $15.00 in my mason jar. By the end of Dec, it should be a little over $1,300. Now, I don't buy for myself much. My money all goes for health bills, other bills and medications as well as gas for Bella. But anyway, I had the idea to put the 52 week savings plan money towards a new wardrobe. Since I WILL be getting healthier, my clothes will not fit after dropping over 100 pounds during the course of this year.

Another motivator is getting more involved in charity work again. There are so many 5k's that help people who need it, and to be active while helping is even better. My knees aren't in the best shape, so I'll just have to be careful and work out to get them stronger.

I'm going to have a "do as I say, not as I do" moment. I'm strongly against judging someone for the way they look. I  know what its like and try my hardest not to ever do it. I also don't like it when I hear someone talk negatively about themselves.  But I cant seem to stop that habit myself. A talented friend took pictures of myself and the love of my life over the weekend. We did them outside and they turned out so well!! To have captured memories of us, is priceless. :)  But instead of being truly happy with seeing them, I'm horrified of how huge I look. I can see how much I've blown up in the last year  because of the steroids, lack of exercise and select bad food choices. It makes me sick to see the weight that I've put back on. My baby deserves to be proud of the woman he has on his arm and I crave to feel and look great! No more life wasted. Life is too short as it is. I want to be proud of me again, and I want my baby boy, my Nathaniel, proud of his momma.

The goal this week is to get back to the gym and Zumba. Start slow, but get back in it.

Thank you to all of my friends who have shown support and encouragement in so many ways. You are awesome and an an inspiration.  Love y'all. :)

Here it is...Two and half years later....

     

Taken in October 2013, I've unfortunately gained 20 pounds since. 

 WOW! As I look back and read through blogs from over 2 years ago, is almost surreal. I kinda remember that girl (woman), but the woman who is writing this now, seems light years away from that one. She had NO clue what she would go through just a month after that post was written. Or what would come that next spring. I'm not sure if I would've changed anything, if I did know.
      What I do know, is the woman I am, sitting here now, is tired of being held back, of grieving, not living life how I dream to. But I also know the woman sitting here now, is blessed beyond measure, loved more than I realize, and protected by God, especially driving the way I do (like a dummy) :), in my treasured Mustang Bella.
      To be honest, I almost forgot I had these writings, until something in my heart, told me to start it up again. Figured I might as well listen, since it's been a constant knock for a couple weeks. For the past 2 years I haven't been living. After going through battling Ovarian Cancer that lead to Chemo treatments, 2 very failed relationships full of cheating and abuse, and the loss of both my son, Nathaniel in 2012 and my Dedaddy in Feb 2013, not to forget my cat of 17 years Tubby died very painfully in April of 2013. My heart was heavy with sadness and loss and grief. I stopped living, and I was ok with that. Work and home, that was life for me. I was a shell of myself and didn't want to be bothered. It had been a long time since I had been in a deep bought of depression like that one. Come September/October of 2013, I was ready to start living. It's been baby steps ever since....and I can't say that it's always roses. Sometimes I feel myself hiding and wanting to avoid life all together. But God is amazing, and He has saved me more times than I can ever understand. Including being brought back to life after flat lining on the surgery table at INOVA Fairfax Hospital when they realized that caring Nathaniel was in fact, killing me. I was "not of this world" for a full 19 seconds, and when I came out of surgery, I was a momma of an angel, forever. That's something you can't go through and not have it change you.

 Life is good, and with God and family, friends and the love of my life and his amazing family....Life will be even better with the continuation of my Butterfly journey.
      In August of 2011, I had written the numbers 215, that makes me sick that I was down that low...the lowest I had EVER been as an adult. But as it also makes me discouraged...it gets me going...KNOWING I can break that number. I had lost 92 pounds, 92 POUNDS LOST!! Life happened, I let it beat me...NOT ANYMORE.
       Over the past 2 years I've lost a lot, that meant more to me than most understand...but I've also gained and lost weight that would look like a mountain range, if you tracked it on a graph..just saying.  From here on  out I want to focus on the down swing. I NEED to go down. My God has been faithful with my loved ones and the love of my life. They all deserve a better me. One who is more focused, more confident and genuinely happy. My man who loves me unconditionally with low self esteem and insecurities and all, someone who is truly "hard to love". He deserves a "trophy girlfriend", one who he can be proud of, as I am so proud to call him mine. My boyfriend, my firefighter, my hero." <3 nbsp="" p="">     With my health, comes many different medicines. I am on more steroids to "help" with my health issues, than I can count on one hand. I've tried to come off of them, but than my health issues reappear. I understand there are more "all natural" methods and it's "unhealthy" to be on certain meds...but for right now.. I trust my doctors, and I'm doing what I can do..to get healthy!!

     
   
      Facts are the most embarrassing, but to be successful, I need to be up front and honest.  So here goes

   As of today, I weigh 264.    As I am completely embarrassed by that number, it's what it is.  I don't plan on seeing that number next week, nor ever again. With eating right, no sodas or alcohol, and finally getting back to working out (after my foot injury in May of 2013, I have been unable to put it in a normal shoe, it's been in a surgery shoe, and activities have been limited).    I've also been discouraged and let my mind and "pity party" give me the excuses to let myself go.  

By October 2014, which will be mine and Ski's 1 year (official) anniversary...I want to have 104 pounds lost. I believe I can do it, with lots of hard work, and fights won against myself I will be down to 160.

And since I have the most amazing friends who are so very motivating and encouraging along their own journey's of health, fitness and life itself, I pray we can all  encourage and support each other. Life is too short not to live it to it's fullest.
Until next post..... :)

My cup runneth over.

Thanks y'all!! <3 face="Corbel, Verdana, sans-serif" font="" style="background-color: white;">


For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.     Hebrews 12:11 

Starting Over again.....Not all the way over..but just a lil bit.

Hey y'all....

Been a long time since my last blog update. As you can tell from the title, I'm guessing you know it hasn't been a successful summer. I'm very disappointed in myself, although I understand that this stuff happens pretty frequently and it's not the end of the world. I understand that, really I do. It's hard, because having the mindset that I had, I set goals that I wanted to meet by now, and I've taken quite a few steps back from that goal....maybe a lot of steps back....heck, just press the rewind back a few scenes.

Around the time I wrote the last blog, was the time I really started to lose my focus. I had gotten busy with school, work, and "relationships" that I lost the focus on taking care of me. My priorities had gotten a bit screwed up. And I started actually LISTENING TO MY EXCUSES! Uggh!

I did finish off last semester with a 4.0! So that's something to be very proud of, since I'm not the "ideal" student. But I appreciate my education a lot more than I did before, and I'm excited to keep on, keeping on to get my degree in the next coming semesters.... and FINALLY start teaching.

So, needless to say, I got so busy taking care of school, work (as I should be doing), and let the focus slip off of myself and my health goals and onto other things I "thought" were more important. What in the world was I thinking?!?!?! My health and ME are so much more important than I give it time for. As I said in the beginning of my journey, God has blessed me with one body, one life and I need to live it to please HIM and give him the glory for ALL that HE has blessed me with.

To be honest, the past 3 1/2 months have been a test and trial. I found myself sliding back into old routines, old habits, old thoughts. I thought I had conquered those things a year or so ago. Positive side to that statement is that I haven't gone back to drinking regular sodas, (I discovered Coke Zero!!) or buy alcohol at all. I'm proud of myself for that, since those were two unhealthy addictions that I worked hard to overcome. BUT.....

I had gotten down to 215. Throughout these last months, I've put 25 pounds back on. I'm very sad and discouraged, but know it's not the end of the world and that it's time to get back to business. I do understand the total lost is still something to be proud of. I've lost 69 pounds and it's made such a big difference. Makes me excited to lose the rest!

I've found out over the past months of this journey, I still have a long road ahead of me, but I'll navigate through it. Keeping positive is key. Do I get over the disappointment in myself and letting others down? Or do I keep that disappointment, to keep myself in check? I'm not sure if it'll help or hold me down.

Now that September 2011 is upon us...I've set some goals for myself to help start my journey off on the right direction.

Goals:

1. Stay Positive!

2. Get to the gym on a regular basis doing cardio and strength training

3. Eat at home! Eat out only if necessary!

4. TRACK, TRACK, TRACK!! (Weight Watcher Points)

5. Manage time wisely to manage stress levels!!

*** In doing these things I want to lose at least 10 pounds this month. ***

I know it's do-able and necessary! Life is short and there are so many things I want to do.

Thank You so much for your encouragement and positive words throughout my journey. I hope to make up for the disappointment in the coming months and show there are action behind my words.

HUGE THANK YOU to my parents. Without them and their support, I'm not sure where I'd be. I've been blessed beyond measure and can never thank them enough.

There are other choice family members that have also given me so much encouragement and love...it just makes me smile!! I appreciate y'all more than you'll EVER know!!

My cup runneth over!!

Love you all!!

April Showers bring....a little spaz's blabbering's. :)

April, Already. It seems as each month gets here and goes by, it never ceases to amaze me how fast it goes. It was the month that put me closer to finishing Spring semester at school, which is a great thing! It was also the month I continued what I was doing in March, with a few changes. There are a lot of things needing to be worked through.

April first, brought the end of my "relationship" with Kev. I realized that I needed more than he could give me living as far away as he did, and I wasn't being fair to him with my indecisiveness. I also was "changing" a little more than he expected. But I was finding my more outgoing side during the past months of this journey. And as the weight has started to come off, I've started to notice the doors that are there for me to open and new things are out there that I can discover and try. Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy and I pray that he meets a girl that is aware of all that he has to offer, and is blessed with the love he craves. I also DID NOT want to move out to Seattle. There was no option of him moving here, so for me to leave my family, friends and my life in Southern Maryland was a hard thing to consider.

Before I start getting into any new news, I gotta start with the fact that my E.D. is no where close to being in recovery mode. I'm TRYING. I am TRYING, really. It's kinda strange that I realized I was scared of food. Coming from someone who would binge and purge who loved food. The process, the making, the history, the eating it with friends and family, is now scared of being put in situations with it. Going out to eat with friends, going to family events...scare me. I've fallen into old patterns, but am now eating more than in recent months. With still a long way to go, there is some improvement. My heart isn't as stressed out, and hasn't given me as many panic attacks as it was. And I'm trying to get my health back on track. I have this one body after all. It's not going to change overnight, but I'm trying to get back into healthy ways of losing this weight and getting healthy! I want to LIVE, enjoy a healthy body and outlook on life.

Because I was doing things the wrong, unhealthy way. I stopped trusting in God's hand in my life and in my journey. Wow, what a bad decision that was. He is forever faithful, and has saved me so many more times than I can ever remember. I know I need to put my trust back in Him and start living my life again, FOR HIM. He has blessed me in many ways, and I am very thankful.

My intentions for May and into the summer are to finally reach my 100 pound lost mark, get UNDER 200 pounds and start fighting for me. My journey is about creating a better me, a better life, a better body. Time that I stop taking it all for granted, since God has blessed me with it all.

So here's the numbers for April: Started April out at 228. Ended it at 219. Gives me a 9 pound loss for the month of April, and a 90 pound loss overall.

March Madness.....maybe?!?!

March. What can I say about the third month of the year? The month where Winter ends and Spring begins, College Basketball shows it's true colors and it's the month that was a true roller coaster for me. I've been delaying writing this, because I felt guilty. I felt guilty about the path my journey has taken again. But when this journey started, I told you and myself "If this is gonna work, I have to be honest". Which means no hiding, and coming clean about everything.

Let me start by saying, I am blessed. I know I am and am thankful for those blessings every day. I have a God that has put me in my place a couple times or more...when I've gone, done or said things I know aren't acceptable to Him. He's been there to listen and help and provide in more ways than I can express. My stubborn ways have come in between my God and I, as it seems to. I'm working on it, although I need to work on it a lil harder I know. But I'm thankful He's sent the messages of redemption and forgiveness and taking responsibility into my life over the past months. My mission is to walk closer to Him and ask what can I DO for my Father?! How can I live my life to please Him? My selfishness needs a break check. Many others are going through MUCH harder things and life struggles and I have no right to complain over the "struggles" in mine, because they seem so minimal. So that's why, I know among all the struggles and hard headed moments, I know I've been blessed.

Now that my priorities seem to be getting back in order. As I said, this month of March has been a roller coaster for me. I've had some revelations that I thought I had already worked on and figured out. I had to face some things about myself, that weren't pretty and it got emotional. ME, emotional?! Never! :) It really is a mental ride, this "butterfly journey", this ride brings happiness, sadness, frustration along with those joyful moments, moments I want to hide, or moments I'm living a kickboxing class in my head..so frustrated I can't speak. I've had to do a lot of praying, a lot of giving up and admitting things I'd rather not admit. God has been there to hear my cries of "Thank You!!" and cries of "Please, help me!" during all of it.

Things started off pretty normal. Zumba was on my schedule 3-4 nights a week. I was eating right-tracking everything that I ate, getting more sleep...doing everything I was supposed to do. At least I thought so. School is going great, still is. Work is good. I started the month about 6 pounds less than when I started February, so that's a great thing. But the first couple weeks, I didn't drop a pound. I'd actually go up in weight. I don't care what the reason, if I'm gaining muscle, or if it's water weight, or if stress has something to do with my body not losing. The last thing I want to see is a higher number than one before. As some of you know, I put way too much thought into the number on the scale. That number has been the focus of so many issues in life, that it has more power than how I actually feel in my skin. It's not a healthy view, but what in my journey has been lately. And something Kevin *aka Special Buddy* made me realize, was that I measure every part of my life by the number on the scale. I lump success with school, work, and hobbies into how I'm doing with my weight loss. He told me "You're A.D.H.D, how do you do when you try to bake your yummy cookies, watch a movie and do a paper for your class?!, Could you put 100% into everything at once" " Me- "You're crazy, of course I can't do that!" Kev told me "Well then why would you try to focus on the weight loss, while you have school to do, and a job to go to and hobbies that you love." "You need to stop, and breathe. Focus on each thing individually. Don't compare everything you do in life, to how your weight loss is going". Common sense words, that I needed to hear, when I needed to hear them. Kev was brought into my life for a reason, of that I'm sure. Of course this came right after my breakdown at Zumba. Boy was I embarrassed and at a loss. But of course, I have been blessed with powerful and caring women who give me words of advice from the best place possible. And I am appreciative for them, more than they know.

When I realized that eating right wasn't getting me anywhere, I went back to my old tricks. I knew if I didn't eat, I'd drop weight. That's when my eating disorder came back in full force. This time when I did it, there was no "JoJo" to tell me other wise and look me in the eye and know, what I was trying to get away with. I know it's not a joke, I know it's more serious than I'm letting on. Trust me, the weigh In's haven't been as enjoyable, since I know I'm not doing things the right way anymore. I thought my eating disorder was conquered months ago. Weight Watchers was my cure for that, because it told me how many points I had to get to in a day. I was doing great! I was eating healthy, and for once had control over my ED, for a bit at least. So, my daily point target is 35, I've been eating an average of 6-9 points a day.....This is where the breakdown begins.

I'm tired. I'm exhausted because I'm not eating. I'm mentally drained because I'm trying to keep my attitude positive and portray that all is AWESOME! I'm not a fan of negativity. I don't surround myself by it, I love positive people! Life is good, God is great! And even though I know all this, I, myself am a hypocrite. I try to stay positive and portray a happy go lucky person and I am, to a point, but I'm also a mess...and it all centers around weight. Crazy, isn't it?! I thought I loved myself, but I don't, yet. I like myself...I do. It's tough to realize that even thought I've lost the weight that I have, I still see myself as a 309 pound person, even though she's not me anymore. For those who've been noticing all the baking I've started doing....this is the reason why. I had to figure out a way to keep my hands busy and my mind occupied when my body was hungry, and since I can't binge and purge any more I bake. It's my therapy, and I don't eat any of it.

Please don't think less of me, please! I'm scared. I'm scared because my biggest fear is, gaining the weight back and not getting to a "normal" weight. I'm scared because I do believe in eating healthy but who am I to listen to about healthy eating?!! I have made healthy changes, I do eat healthy...when I choose to eat. I don't do fast food anymore *unless I'm getting a diet lemonade from Chic-fil-a* don't drink sodas. And I've been sober for 6 months. I love tuna fish, chicken, salads and watch my calories. I also drink my 8 glasses a day of water.

I felt like I had to come clean, because as I'm losing the weight I'm getting these compliments and praise that I don't really deserve anymore. I'm thankful that those around me, do take the time out to notice "the change" that I kinda notice. But I feel like I'm not deserving of it anymore, because I've been cheating. My body is the only one I have, and I've been treating it horribly. This I know. It has to change, and it will, just not sure how to start.

I'm thankful for all the words of encouragement as the past month hasn't been the best. God definitely blessed me with the best. You're more loved and appreciated than I can ever say.

Now, for last months numbers....Weight started at 233. I ended at 228. That's a loss of 5 pounds during the month of March. And 81 pounds total.

**I've already started April, the same way I finished out March. I've dropped 4 pounds, and am down 85 total, but I pray that this journey can have a healthy restart and I can be ok with starting ED recovery.**

February Frustrations....and some successes

It's March!!! YAY!!! So excited for the bitter cold days to be a thing of the past. Although, I'm still grateful for any day the Lord blesses us with.

The fact that it's already March, is craziness! 2011 is just flying by. Not too much happened in February. There was still work to go to, school to do and weight to lose. The beginning of the month was the most stressful. The first 2 weeks, I didn't lose a pound! I stayed steady for over two weeks before dropping anything. That was so frustrating. Working out a couple hours a day, and eating right and not seeing it pay off, it's hard to want to keep going. But I knew I had come too far to stop. I have too much to lose by putting the weight back on.

Amazing thing about February. I hit my lowest weight in over 12 years. That's been my goal for a long time. Just to see that number again, would give me so much hope about seeing myself to the end of this journey. It's an amazing thing, when I can see the "end" in sight. The end being my goal weight, since this journey will last forever. Just because I'll lose the weight and get healthy, I will always have a battle with my weight problems. I know how to control it now, and I know what kind of life style I need to lead in order to achieve it.

As I've said before, this journey is not just about losing weight. Along with being a physical journey, it's also a spiritual and mental one as well. God is an amazing God, who has loved me through all the bad and good, and who is forever faithful in His plans for my life. I wasn't open to those plans when I was depressed, because I was focused on me. I was wrong for having that selfish attitude and know my heart needs to crave Him and be patient for things to happen in His timing. I Love my God. He has made me understand that I am worth more than what I've let myself accept. I took less that what I deserve and let myself get used and abused more than once. That frame of mind isn't an easy one to change. I can see my self worth going up. I know that even with all the bad things I've done and said. He says... "Child, you're forgiven and loved!". Now life is about paying it forward. It was before, but even more so now. The walls are coming down and I'm not on the defense, as much. I don't let myself get used or put in those situations anymore. For the FIRST TIME in my life..I'm starting to love me. It's a great feeling!

Now, on to the weight portion of my ramblings.... :) At the beginning of February I was 239. At the end of February I am now 233. That's a total of 6 pounds for the month of February. And 76 pounds total!! Most importantly, I surpassed my lowest weight of 238 by 5 pounds!!!! And I'm also 3 days away from 5 months of soda and alcohol sobriety!!!

I didn't hit my goal of 229. But that's ok. I'll hit it next month and surpass it then. I have faith in myself and know it'll happen!

Thank you soo much for your hugs and kisses, words of support, encouragement and kindness. It doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated. You are all blessings in my always crazy, amazing, beautiful life, and I'm thankful for you!

There are so many things to look forward to! Weddings, babies, birthday's, SOMD Blue Crabs 4th season, Universal Orlando trip, just to name a few...

God is Great! Life is good, it really is!

2011...Will be my year!!

Hey y'all! Here It's the 2nd day of February, and I can't believe that the first month of 2011 is already over! Wow!



Like most of you know, I'm still on my "Butterfly Journey". I am so motivated and blessed! This isn't always my attitude, but life is good! :)



I started out January with a new outlook on life. I was quite frustrated because my health issues were getting in the way of my weight loss. It was frustrating as all get out. I would get very discouraged because I think for the first time I was doing everything right. I was hitting the gym, tracking what I ate on Weightwatchers.com and I still wasn't losing. So I went to the doc, got put on some new meds, did some things different and the weight started to come off. I could breathe a little better, then.



My faith has a lot to do with my journey. It's NOT just a weight thing. It's a mental, spiritual along with a physical journey. It's a journey that needs to take me thorough the rest of my life. God is an awesome God, and I need to honor him with my mind, heart and body. He's only given me one, after all. :0)



Life is given so that we can live, love, laugh, worship, dance, cry...everything that makes up this awesome, sometimes crazy, almost always beautiful life. Being the weight I was a year and a half ago, there's no way I could say I was living. I was failing out of school, getting out of bed to only go to work and school, had an eating disorder with no faith of recovery, and was in a relationship that I shouldn't have been in. My non-relationship with God along with my weight and depression was the reason I wasn't living. As I face 2011...I'm in a much better place! I'm closer to God than I've ever been in my life. I treasure the relationships close to me and I make an effort to actually LIVE life. I'm a long way from where I need to be and crave to be, but I'm getting there, step by step.



I'm blessed, more than I have any right to be. I have the most beautiful family ever, the most amazing, loving friends, a couple great jobs, the chance to work out a gym and a great place to take a Zumba class a couple times a week.



This year is MY YEAR! I can't wait to hit my goal weight this year. I believe in myself and I believe that with God's never failing love and belief in me...I can be healthy and finally LOVE ME. I'm looking forward to spending time with my best friends, including some that I've reconnected with, and some new ones! One of my bestie's weddings and meeting her new addition to her family later this year, a trip to Universal Studio's in June with a guy I've fallen in love with. Also showing my parents and those around me that I'm not the weak, dependent, person they think I am. I have the ability to stand up on my own two feet and I take responsibility for the things I need to. I'm showing myself all the time that I can do things I never thought I'd be able to do.



WEIGHT UPDATE: OK here goes....I started off January 2011 at 249 pounds. I finished it at 239 pounds. I lost 10 pounds!!! TOTAL LOSS: 70 pounds!! Those 10 pounds came off with sweat, tears, laughs and a couple *grr's* along the way. lol



My goal for February is to see the number 238 on the scale..and surpass it by 10 pounds * 238 is my lowest weight as an adult* , to go to 2-3 Zumba classes a week, do 45 minutes of cardio a total of 4 days a week. I hope to strength train 2 days a week. I'm still on weight watchers so that covers my food part....which is still "under construction".



I'm so blessed in this life. I'm more blessed than I have a right to be. My God knows the desires of my heart, and with a little patience and prayer....I'm praying all will work out. :)



Thank You all for your love, support, encouraging words and big hugs...I appreciate it all!!



Love each other and yourselves!! You are worth soooo much! :)



See you at the end of February!!!