Here it is...Two and half years later....

     

Taken in October 2013, I've unfortunately gained 20 pounds since. 

 WOW! As I look back and read through blogs from over 2 years ago, is almost surreal. I kinda remember that girl (woman), but the woman who is writing this now, seems light years away from that one. She had NO clue what she would go through just a month after that post was written. Or what would come that next spring. I'm not sure if I would've changed anything, if I did know.
      What I do know, is the woman I am, sitting here now, is tired of being held back, of grieving, not living life how I dream to. But I also know the woman sitting here now, is blessed beyond measure, loved more than I realize, and protected by God, especially driving the way I do (like a dummy) :), in my treasured Mustang Bella.
      To be honest, I almost forgot I had these writings, until something in my heart, told me to start it up again. Figured I might as well listen, since it's been a constant knock for a couple weeks. For the past 2 years I haven't been living. After going through battling Ovarian Cancer that lead to Chemo treatments, 2 very failed relationships full of cheating and abuse, and the loss of both my son, Nathaniel in 2012 and my Dedaddy in Feb 2013, not to forget my cat of 17 years Tubby died very painfully in April of 2013. My heart was heavy with sadness and loss and grief. I stopped living, and I was ok with that. Work and home, that was life for me. I was a shell of myself and didn't want to be bothered. It had been a long time since I had been in a deep bought of depression like that one. Come September/October of 2013, I was ready to start living. It's been baby steps ever since....and I can't say that it's always roses. Sometimes I feel myself hiding and wanting to avoid life all together. But God is amazing, and He has saved me more times than I can ever understand. Including being brought back to life after flat lining on the surgery table at INOVA Fairfax Hospital when they realized that caring Nathaniel was in fact, killing me. I was "not of this world" for a full 19 seconds, and when I came out of surgery, I was a momma of an angel, forever. That's something you can't go through and not have it change you.

 Life is good, and with God and family, friends and the love of my life and his amazing family....Life will be even better with the continuation of my Butterfly journey.
      In August of 2011, I had written the numbers 215, that makes me sick that I was down that low...the lowest I had EVER been as an adult. But as it also makes me discouraged...it gets me going...KNOWING I can break that number. I had lost 92 pounds, 92 POUNDS LOST!! Life happened, I let it beat me...NOT ANYMORE.
       Over the past 2 years I've lost a lot, that meant more to me than most understand...but I've also gained and lost weight that would look like a mountain range, if you tracked it on a graph..just saying.  From here on  out I want to focus on the down swing. I NEED to go down. My God has been faithful with my loved ones and the love of my life. They all deserve a better me. One who is more focused, more confident and genuinely happy. My man who loves me unconditionally with low self esteem and insecurities and all, someone who is truly "hard to love". He deserves a "trophy girlfriend", one who he can be proud of, as I am so proud to call him mine. My boyfriend, my firefighter, my hero." <3 nbsp="" p="">     With my health, comes many different medicines. I am on more steroids to "help" with my health issues, than I can count on one hand. I've tried to come off of them, but than my health issues reappear. I understand there are more "all natural" methods and it's "unhealthy" to be on certain meds...but for right now.. I trust my doctors, and I'm doing what I can do..to get healthy!!

     
   
      Facts are the most embarrassing, but to be successful, I need to be up front and honest.  So here goes

   As of today, I weigh 264.    As I am completely embarrassed by that number, it's what it is.  I don't plan on seeing that number next week, nor ever again. With eating right, no sodas or alcohol, and finally getting back to working out (after my foot injury in May of 2013, I have been unable to put it in a normal shoe, it's been in a surgery shoe, and activities have been limited).    I've also been discouraged and let my mind and "pity party" give me the excuses to let myself go.  

By October 2014, which will be mine and Ski's 1 year (official) anniversary...I want to have 104 pounds lost. I believe I can do it, with lots of hard work, and fights won against myself I will be down to 160.

And since I have the most amazing friends who are so very motivating and encouraging along their own journey's of health, fitness and life itself, I pray we can all  encourage and support each other. Life is too short not to live it to it's fullest.
Until next post..... :)

My cup runneth over.

Thanks y'all!! <3 face="Corbel, Verdana, sans-serif" font="" style="background-color: white;">


For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.     Hebrews 12:11