March. What can I say about the third month of the year? The month where Winter ends and Spring begins, College Basketball shows it's true colors and it's the month that was a true roller coaster for me. I've been delaying writing this, because I felt guilty. I felt guilty about the path my journey has taken again. But when this journey started, I told you and myself "If this is gonna work, I have to be honest". Which means no hiding, and coming clean about everything.
Let me start by saying, I am blessed. I know I am and am thankful for those blessings every day. I have a God that has put me in my place a couple times or more...when I've gone, done or said things I know aren't acceptable to Him. He's been there to listen and help and provide in more ways than I can express. My stubborn ways have come in between my God and I, as it seems to. I'm working on it, although I need to work on it a lil harder I know. But I'm thankful He's sent the messages of redemption and forgiveness and taking responsibility into my life over the past months. My mission is to walk closer to Him and ask what can I DO for my Father?! How can I live my life to please Him? My selfishness needs a break check. Many others are going through MUCH harder things and life struggles and I have no right to complain over the "struggles" in mine, because they seem so minimal. So that's why, I know among all the struggles and hard headed moments, I know I've been blessed.
Now that my priorities seem to be getting back in order. As I said, this month of March has been a roller coaster for me. I've had some revelations that I thought I had already worked on and figured out. I had to face some things about myself, that weren't pretty and it got emotional. ME, emotional?! Never! :) It really is a mental ride, this "butterfly journey", this ride brings happiness, sadness, frustration along with those joyful moments, moments I want to hide, or moments I'm living a kickboxing class in my head..so frustrated I can't speak. I've had to do a lot of praying, a lot of giving up and admitting things I'd rather not admit. God has been there to hear my cries of "Thank You!!" and cries of "Please, help me!" during all of it.
Things started off pretty normal. Zumba was on my schedule 3-4 nights a week. I was eating right-tracking everything that I ate, getting more sleep...doing everything I was supposed to do. At least I thought so. School is going great, still is. Work is good. I started the month about 6 pounds less than when I started February, so that's a great thing. But the first couple weeks, I didn't drop a pound. I'd actually go up in weight. I don't care what the reason, if I'm gaining muscle, or if it's water weight, or if stress has something to do with my body not losing. The last thing I want to see is a higher number than one before. As some of you know, I put way too much thought into the number on the scale. That number has been the focus of so many issues in life, that it has more power than how I actually feel in my skin. It's not a healthy view, but what in my journey has been lately. And something Kevin *aka Special Buddy* made me realize, was that I measure every part of my life by the number on the scale. I lump success with school, work, and hobbies into how I'm doing with my weight loss. He told me "You're A.D.H.D, how do you do when you try to bake your yummy cookies, watch a movie and do a paper for your class?!, Could you put 100% into everything at once" " Me- "You're crazy, of course I can't do that!" Kev told me "Well then why would you try to focus on the weight loss, while you have school to do, and a job to go to and hobbies that you love." "You need to stop, and breathe. Focus on each thing individually. Don't compare everything you do in life, to how your weight loss is going". Common sense words, that I needed to hear, when I needed to hear them. Kev was brought into my life for a reason, of that I'm sure. Of course this came right after my breakdown at Zumba. Boy was I embarrassed and at a loss. But of course, I have been blessed with powerful and caring women who give me words of advice from the best place possible. And I am appreciative for them, more than they know.
When I realized that eating right wasn't getting me anywhere, I went back to my old tricks. I knew if I didn't eat, I'd drop weight. That's when my eating disorder came back in full force. This time when I did it, there was no "JoJo" to tell me other wise and look me in the eye and know, what I was trying to get away with. I know it's not a joke, I know it's more serious than I'm letting on. Trust me, the weigh In's haven't been as enjoyable, since I know I'm not doing things the right way anymore. I thought my eating disorder was conquered months ago. Weight Watchers was my cure for that, because it told me how many points I had to get to in a day. I was doing great! I was eating healthy, and for once had control over my ED, for a bit at least. So, my daily point target is 35, I've been eating an average of 6-9 points a day.....This is where the breakdown begins.
I'm tired. I'm exhausted because I'm not eating. I'm mentally drained because I'm trying to keep my attitude positive and portray that all is AWESOME! I'm not a fan of negativity. I don't surround myself by it, I love positive people! Life is good, God is great! And even though I know all this, I, myself am a hypocrite. I try to stay positive and portray a happy go lucky person and I am, to a point, but I'm also a mess...and it all centers around weight. Crazy, isn't it?! I thought I loved myself, but I don't, yet. I like myself...I do. It's tough to realize that even thought I've lost the weight that I have, I still see myself as a 309 pound person, even though she's not me anymore. For those who've been noticing all the baking I've started doing....this is the reason why. I had to figure out a way to keep my hands busy and my mind occupied when my body was hungry, and since I can't binge and purge any more I bake. It's my therapy, and I don't eat any of it.
Please don't think less of me, please! I'm scared. I'm scared because my biggest fear is, gaining the weight back and not getting to a "normal" weight. I'm scared because I do believe in eating healthy but who am I to listen to about healthy eating?!! I have made healthy changes, I do eat healthy...when I choose to eat. I don't do fast food anymore *unless I'm getting a diet lemonade from Chic-fil-a* don't drink sodas. And I've been sober for 6 months. I love tuna fish, chicken, salads and watch my calories. I also drink my 8 glasses a day of water.
I felt like I had to come clean, because as I'm losing the weight I'm getting these compliments and praise that I don't really deserve anymore. I'm thankful that those around me, do take the time out to notice "the change" that I kinda notice. But I feel like I'm not deserving of it anymore, because I've been cheating. My body is the only one I have, and I've been treating it horribly. This I know. It has to change, and it will, just not sure how to start.
I'm thankful for all the words of encouragement as the past month hasn't been the best. God definitely blessed me with the best. You're more loved and appreciated than I can ever say.
Now, for last months numbers....Weight started at 233. I ended at 228. That's a loss of 5 pounds during the month of March. And 81 pounds total.
**I've already started April, the same way I finished out March. I've dropped 4 pounds, and am down 85 total, but I pray that this journey can have a healthy restart and I can be ok with starting ED recovery.**
