So, last Thursday I weighed in at 264. This Thursday I'm down to 259. So that's a good start. I had an idea this week, since I have many motivators on this journey. The idea I had was to be selfish a little bit. Many have heard about the 52 week savings plan. Its now week 4 and I have $15.00 in my mason jar. By the end of Dec, it should be a little over $1,300. Now, I don't buy for myself much. My money all goes for health bills, other bills and medications as well as gas for Bella. But anyway, I had the idea to put the 52 week savings plan money towards a new wardrobe. Since I WILL be getting healthier, my clothes will not fit after dropping over 100 pounds during the course of this year.

Another motivator is getting more involved in charity work again. There are so many 5k's that help people who need it, and to be active while helping is even better. My knees aren't in the best shape, so I'll just have to be careful and work out to get them stronger.

I'm going to have a "do as I say, not as I do" moment. I'm strongly against judging someone for the way they look. I  know what its like and try my hardest not to ever do it. I also don't like it when I hear someone talk negatively about themselves.  But I cant seem to stop that habit myself. A talented friend took pictures of myself and the love of my life over the weekend. We did them outside and they turned out so well!! To have captured memories of us, is priceless. :)  But instead of being truly happy with seeing them, I'm horrified of how huge I look. I can see how much I've blown up in the last year  because of the steroids, lack of exercise and select bad food choices. It makes me sick to see the weight that I've put back on. My baby deserves to be proud of the woman he has on his arm and I crave to feel and look great! No more life wasted. Life is too short as it is. I want to be proud of me again, and I want my baby boy, my Nathaniel, proud of his momma.

The goal this week is to get back to the gym and Zumba. Start slow, but get back in it.

Thank you to all of my friends who have shown support and encouragement in so many ways. You are awesome and an an inspiration.  Love y'all. :)

Here it is...Two and half years later....

     

Taken in October 2013, I've unfortunately gained 20 pounds since. 

 WOW! As I look back and read through blogs from over 2 years ago, is almost surreal. I kinda remember that girl (woman), but the woman who is writing this now, seems light years away from that one. She had NO clue what she would go through just a month after that post was written. Or what would come that next spring. I'm not sure if I would've changed anything, if I did know.
      What I do know, is the woman I am, sitting here now, is tired of being held back, of grieving, not living life how I dream to. But I also know the woman sitting here now, is blessed beyond measure, loved more than I realize, and protected by God, especially driving the way I do (like a dummy) :), in my treasured Mustang Bella.
      To be honest, I almost forgot I had these writings, until something in my heart, told me to start it up again. Figured I might as well listen, since it's been a constant knock for a couple weeks. For the past 2 years I haven't been living. After going through battling Ovarian Cancer that lead to Chemo treatments, 2 very failed relationships full of cheating and abuse, and the loss of both my son, Nathaniel in 2012 and my Dedaddy in Feb 2013, not to forget my cat of 17 years Tubby died very painfully in April of 2013. My heart was heavy with sadness and loss and grief. I stopped living, and I was ok with that. Work and home, that was life for me. I was a shell of myself and didn't want to be bothered. It had been a long time since I had been in a deep bought of depression like that one. Come September/October of 2013, I was ready to start living. It's been baby steps ever since....and I can't say that it's always roses. Sometimes I feel myself hiding and wanting to avoid life all together. But God is amazing, and He has saved me more times than I can ever understand. Including being brought back to life after flat lining on the surgery table at INOVA Fairfax Hospital when they realized that caring Nathaniel was in fact, killing me. I was "not of this world" for a full 19 seconds, and when I came out of surgery, I was a momma of an angel, forever. That's something you can't go through and not have it change you.

 Life is good, and with God and family, friends and the love of my life and his amazing family....Life will be even better with the continuation of my Butterfly journey.
      In August of 2011, I had written the numbers 215, that makes me sick that I was down that low...the lowest I had EVER been as an adult. But as it also makes me discouraged...it gets me going...KNOWING I can break that number. I had lost 92 pounds, 92 POUNDS LOST!! Life happened, I let it beat me...NOT ANYMORE.
       Over the past 2 years I've lost a lot, that meant more to me than most understand...but I've also gained and lost weight that would look like a mountain range, if you tracked it on a graph..just saying.  From here on  out I want to focus on the down swing. I NEED to go down. My God has been faithful with my loved ones and the love of my life. They all deserve a better me. One who is more focused, more confident and genuinely happy. My man who loves me unconditionally with low self esteem and insecurities and all, someone who is truly "hard to love". He deserves a "trophy girlfriend", one who he can be proud of, as I am so proud to call him mine. My boyfriend, my firefighter, my hero." <3 nbsp="" p="">     With my health, comes many different medicines. I am on more steroids to "help" with my health issues, than I can count on one hand. I've tried to come off of them, but than my health issues reappear. I understand there are more "all natural" methods and it's "unhealthy" to be on certain meds...but for right now.. I trust my doctors, and I'm doing what I can do..to get healthy!!

     
   
      Facts are the most embarrassing, but to be successful, I need to be up front and honest.  So here goes

   As of today, I weigh 264.    As I am completely embarrassed by that number, it's what it is.  I don't plan on seeing that number next week, nor ever again. With eating right, no sodas or alcohol, and finally getting back to working out (after my foot injury in May of 2013, I have been unable to put it in a normal shoe, it's been in a surgery shoe, and activities have been limited).    I've also been discouraged and let my mind and "pity party" give me the excuses to let myself go.  

By October 2014, which will be mine and Ski's 1 year (official) anniversary...I want to have 104 pounds lost. I believe I can do it, with lots of hard work, and fights won against myself I will be down to 160.

And since I have the most amazing friends who are so very motivating and encouraging along their own journey's of health, fitness and life itself, I pray we can all  encourage and support each other. Life is too short not to live it to it's fullest.
Until next post..... :)

My cup runneth over.

Thanks y'all!! <3 face="Corbel, Verdana, sans-serif" font="" style="background-color: white;">


For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.     Hebrews 12:11 

Starting Over again.....Not all the way over..but just a lil bit.

Hey y'all....

Been a long time since my last blog update. As you can tell from the title, I'm guessing you know it hasn't been a successful summer. I'm very disappointed in myself, although I understand that this stuff happens pretty frequently and it's not the end of the world. I understand that, really I do. It's hard, because having the mindset that I had, I set goals that I wanted to meet by now, and I've taken quite a few steps back from that goal....maybe a lot of steps back....heck, just press the rewind back a few scenes.

Around the time I wrote the last blog, was the time I really started to lose my focus. I had gotten busy with school, work, and "relationships" that I lost the focus on taking care of me. My priorities had gotten a bit screwed up. And I started actually LISTENING TO MY EXCUSES! Uggh!

I did finish off last semester with a 4.0! So that's something to be very proud of, since I'm not the "ideal" student. But I appreciate my education a lot more than I did before, and I'm excited to keep on, keeping on to get my degree in the next coming semesters.... and FINALLY start teaching.

So, needless to say, I got so busy taking care of school, work (as I should be doing), and let the focus slip off of myself and my health goals and onto other things I "thought" were more important. What in the world was I thinking?!?!?! My health and ME are so much more important than I give it time for. As I said in the beginning of my journey, God has blessed me with one body, one life and I need to live it to please HIM and give him the glory for ALL that HE has blessed me with.

To be honest, the past 3 1/2 months have been a test and trial. I found myself sliding back into old routines, old habits, old thoughts. I thought I had conquered those things a year or so ago. Positive side to that statement is that I haven't gone back to drinking regular sodas, (I discovered Coke Zero!!) or buy alcohol at all. I'm proud of myself for that, since those were two unhealthy addictions that I worked hard to overcome. BUT.....

I had gotten down to 215. Throughout these last months, I've put 25 pounds back on. I'm very sad and discouraged, but know it's not the end of the world and that it's time to get back to business. I do understand the total lost is still something to be proud of. I've lost 69 pounds and it's made such a big difference. Makes me excited to lose the rest!

I've found out over the past months of this journey, I still have a long road ahead of me, but I'll navigate through it. Keeping positive is key. Do I get over the disappointment in myself and letting others down? Or do I keep that disappointment, to keep myself in check? I'm not sure if it'll help or hold me down.

Now that September 2011 is upon us...I've set some goals for myself to help start my journey off on the right direction.

Goals:

1. Stay Positive!

2. Get to the gym on a regular basis doing cardio and strength training

3. Eat at home! Eat out only if necessary!

4. TRACK, TRACK, TRACK!! (Weight Watcher Points)

5. Manage time wisely to manage stress levels!!

*** In doing these things I want to lose at least 10 pounds this month. ***

I know it's do-able and necessary! Life is short and there are so many things I want to do.

Thank You so much for your encouragement and positive words throughout my journey. I hope to make up for the disappointment in the coming months and show there are action behind my words.

HUGE THANK YOU to my parents. Without them and their support, I'm not sure where I'd be. I've been blessed beyond measure and can never thank them enough.

There are other choice family members that have also given me so much encouragement and love...it just makes me smile!! I appreciate y'all more than you'll EVER know!!

My cup runneth over!!

Love you all!!

April Showers bring....a little spaz's blabbering's. :)

April, Already. It seems as each month gets here and goes by, it never ceases to amaze me how fast it goes. It was the month that put me closer to finishing Spring semester at school, which is a great thing! It was also the month I continued what I was doing in March, with a few changes. There are a lot of things needing to be worked through.

April first, brought the end of my "relationship" with Kev. I realized that I needed more than he could give me living as far away as he did, and I wasn't being fair to him with my indecisiveness. I also was "changing" a little more than he expected. But I was finding my more outgoing side during the past months of this journey. And as the weight has started to come off, I've started to notice the doors that are there for me to open and new things are out there that I can discover and try. Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy and I pray that he meets a girl that is aware of all that he has to offer, and is blessed with the love he craves. I also DID NOT want to move out to Seattle. There was no option of him moving here, so for me to leave my family, friends and my life in Southern Maryland was a hard thing to consider.

Before I start getting into any new news, I gotta start with the fact that my E.D. is no where close to being in recovery mode. I'm TRYING. I am TRYING, really. It's kinda strange that I realized I was scared of food. Coming from someone who would binge and purge who loved food. The process, the making, the history, the eating it with friends and family, is now scared of being put in situations with it. Going out to eat with friends, going to family events...scare me. I've fallen into old patterns, but am now eating more than in recent months. With still a long way to go, there is some improvement. My heart isn't as stressed out, and hasn't given me as many panic attacks as it was. And I'm trying to get my health back on track. I have this one body after all. It's not going to change overnight, but I'm trying to get back into healthy ways of losing this weight and getting healthy! I want to LIVE, enjoy a healthy body and outlook on life.

Because I was doing things the wrong, unhealthy way. I stopped trusting in God's hand in my life and in my journey. Wow, what a bad decision that was. He is forever faithful, and has saved me so many more times than I can ever remember. I know I need to put my trust back in Him and start living my life again, FOR HIM. He has blessed me in many ways, and I am very thankful.

My intentions for May and into the summer are to finally reach my 100 pound lost mark, get UNDER 200 pounds and start fighting for me. My journey is about creating a better me, a better life, a better body. Time that I stop taking it all for granted, since God has blessed me with it all.

So here's the numbers for April: Started April out at 228. Ended it at 219. Gives me a 9 pound loss for the month of April, and a 90 pound loss overall.

March Madness.....maybe?!?!

March. What can I say about the third month of the year? The month where Winter ends and Spring begins, College Basketball shows it's true colors and it's the month that was a true roller coaster for me. I've been delaying writing this, because I felt guilty. I felt guilty about the path my journey has taken again. But when this journey started, I told you and myself "If this is gonna work, I have to be honest". Which means no hiding, and coming clean about everything.

Let me start by saying, I am blessed. I know I am and am thankful for those blessings every day. I have a God that has put me in my place a couple times or more...when I've gone, done or said things I know aren't acceptable to Him. He's been there to listen and help and provide in more ways than I can express. My stubborn ways have come in between my God and I, as it seems to. I'm working on it, although I need to work on it a lil harder I know. But I'm thankful He's sent the messages of redemption and forgiveness and taking responsibility into my life over the past months. My mission is to walk closer to Him and ask what can I DO for my Father?! How can I live my life to please Him? My selfishness needs a break check. Many others are going through MUCH harder things and life struggles and I have no right to complain over the "struggles" in mine, because they seem so minimal. So that's why, I know among all the struggles and hard headed moments, I know I've been blessed.

Now that my priorities seem to be getting back in order. As I said, this month of March has been a roller coaster for me. I've had some revelations that I thought I had already worked on and figured out. I had to face some things about myself, that weren't pretty and it got emotional. ME, emotional?! Never! :) It really is a mental ride, this "butterfly journey", this ride brings happiness, sadness, frustration along with those joyful moments, moments I want to hide, or moments I'm living a kickboxing class in my head..so frustrated I can't speak. I've had to do a lot of praying, a lot of giving up and admitting things I'd rather not admit. God has been there to hear my cries of "Thank You!!" and cries of "Please, help me!" during all of it.

Things started off pretty normal. Zumba was on my schedule 3-4 nights a week. I was eating right-tracking everything that I ate, getting more sleep...doing everything I was supposed to do. At least I thought so. School is going great, still is. Work is good. I started the month about 6 pounds less than when I started February, so that's a great thing. But the first couple weeks, I didn't drop a pound. I'd actually go up in weight. I don't care what the reason, if I'm gaining muscle, or if it's water weight, or if stress has something to do with my body not losing. The last thing I want to see is a higher number than one before. As some of you know, I put way too much thought into the number on the scale. That number has been the focus of so many issues in life, that it has more power than how I actually feel in my skin. It's not a healthy view, but what in my journey has been lately. And something Kevin *aka Special Buddy* made me realize, was that I measure every part of my life by the number on the scale. I lump success with school, work, and hobbies into how I'm doing with my weight loss. He told me "You're A.D.H.D, how do you do when you try to bake your yummy cookies, watch a movie and do a paper for your class?!, Could you put 100% into everything at once" " Me- "You're crazy, of course I can't do that!" Kev told me "Well then why would you try to focus on the weight loss, while you have school to do, and a job to go to and hobbies that you love." "You need to stop, and breathe. Focus on each thing individually. Don't compare everything you do in life, to how your weight loss is going". Common sense words, that I needed to hear, when I needed to hear them. Kev was brought into my life for a reason, of that I'm sure. Of course this came right after my breakdown at Zumba. Boy was I embarrassed and at a loss. But of course, I have been blessed with powerful and caring women who give me words of advice from the best place possible. And I am appreciative for them, more than they know.

When I realized that eating right wasn't getting me anywhere, I went back to my old tricks. I knew if I didn't eat, I'd drop weight. That's when my eating disorder came back in full force. This time when I did it, there was no "JoJo" to tell me other wise and look me in the eye and know, what I was trying to get away with. I know it's not a joke, I know it's more serious than I'm letting on. Trust me, the weigh In's haven't been as enjoyable, since I know I'm not doing things the right way anymore. I thought my eating disorder was conquered months ago. Weight Watchers was my cure for that, because it told me how many points I had to get to in a day. I was doing great! I was eating healthy, and for once had control over my ED, for a bit at least. So, my daily point target is 35, I've been eating an average of 6-9 points a day.....This is where the breakdown begins.

I'm tired. I'm exhausted because I'm not eating. I'm mentally drained because I'm trying to keep my attitude positive and portray that all is AWESOME! I'm not a fan of negativity. I don't surround myself by it, I love positive people! Life is good, God is great! And even though I know all this, I, myself am a hypocrite. I try to stay positive and portray a happy go lucky person and I am, to a point, but I'm also a mess...and it all centers around weight. Crazy, isn't it?! I thought I loved myself, but I don't, yet. I like myself...I do. It's tough to realize that even thought I've lost the weight that I have, I still see myself as a 309 pound person, even though she's not me anymore. For those who've been noticing all the baking I've started doing....this is the reason why. I had to figure out a way to keep my hands busy and my mind occupied when my body was hungry, and since I can't binge and purge any more I bake. It's my therapy, and I don't eat any of it.

Please don't think less of me, please! I'm scared. I'm scared because my biggest fear is, gaining the weight back and not getting to a "normal" weight. I'm scared because I do believe in eating healthy but who am I to listen to about healthy eating?!! I have made healthy changes, I do eat healthy...when I choose to eat. I don't do fast food anymore *unless I'm getting a diet lemonade from Chic-fil-a* don't drink sodas. And I've been sober for 6 months. I love tuna fish, chicken, salads and watch my calories. I also drink my 8 glasses a day of water.

I felt like I had to come clean, because as I'm losing the weight I'm getting these compliments and praise that I don't really deserve anymore. I'm thankful that those around me, do take the time out to notice "the change" that I kinda notice. But I feel like I'm not deserving of it anymore, because I've been cheating. My body is the only one I have, and I've been treating it horribly. This I know. It has to change, and it will, just not sure how to start.

I'm thankful for all the words of encouragement as the past month hasn't been the best. God definitely blessed me with the best. You're more loved and appreciated than I can ever say.

Now, for last months numbers....Weight started at 233. I ended at 228. That's a loss of 5 pounds during the month of March. And 81 pounds total.

**I've already started April, the same way I finished out March. I've dropped 4 pounds, and am down 85 total, but I pray that this journey can have a healthy restart and I can be ok with starting ED recovery.**

February Frustrations....and some successes

It's March!!! YAY!!! So excited for the bitter cold days to be a thing of the past. Although, I'm still grateful for any day the Lord blesses us with.

The fact that it's already March, is craziness! 2011 is just flying by. Not too much happened in February. There was still work to go to, school to do and weight to lose. The beginning of the month was the most stressful. The first 2 weeks, I didn't lose a pound! I stayed steady for over two weeks before dropping anything. That was so frustrating. Working out a couple hours a day, and eating right and not seeing it pay off, it's hard to want to keep going. But I knew I had come too far to stop. I have too much to lose by putting the weight back on.

Amazing thing about February. I hit my lowest weight in over 12 years. That's been my goal for a long time. Just to see that number again, would give me so much hope about seeing myself to the end of this journey. It's an amazing thing, when I can see the "end" in sight. The end being my goal weight, since this journey will last forever. Just because I'll lose the weight and get healthy, I will always have a battle with my weight problems. I know how to control it now, and I know what kind of life style I need to lead in order to achieve it.

As I've said before, this journey is not just about losing weight. Along with being a physical journey, it's also a spiritual and mental one as well. God is an amazing God, who has loved me through all the bad and good, and who is forever faithful in His plans for my life. I wasn't open to those plans when I was depressed, because I was focused on me. I was wrong for having that selfish attitude and know my heart needs to crave Him and be patient for things to happen in His timing. I Love my God. He has made me understand that I am worth more than what I've let myself accept. I took less that what I deserve and let myself get used and abused more than once. That frame of mind isn't an easy one to change. I can see my self worth going up. I know that even with all the bad things I've done and said. He says... "Child, you're forgiven and loved!". Now life is about paying it forward. It was before, but even more so now. The walls are coming down and I'm not on the defense, as much. I don't let myself get used or put in those situations anymore. For the FIRST TIME in my life..I'm starting to love me. It's a great feeling!

Now, on to the weight portion of my ramblings.... :) At the beginning of February I was 239. At the end of February I am now 233. That's a total of 6 pounds for the month of February. And 76 pounds total!! Most importantly, I surpassed my lowest weight of 238 by 5 pounds!!!! And I'm also 3 days away from 5 months of soda and alcohol sobriety!!!

I didn't hit my goal of 229. But that's ok. I'll hit it next month and surpass it then. I have faith in myself and know it'll happen!

Thank you soo much for your hugs and kisses, words of support, encouragement and kindness. It doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated. You are all blessings in my always crazy, amazing, beautiful life, and I'm thankful for you!

There are so many things to look forward to! Weddings, babies, birthday's, SOMD Blue Crabs 4th season, Universal Orlando trip, just to name a few...

God is Great! Life is good, it really is!

2011...Will be my year!!

Hey y'all! Here It's the 2nd day of February, and I can't believe that the first month of 2011 is already over! Wow!



Like most of you know, I'm still on my "Butterfly Journey". I am so motivated and blessed! This isn't always my attitude, but life is good! :)



I started out January with a new outlook on life. I was quite frustrated because my health issues were getting in the way of my weight loss. It was frustrating as all get out. I would get very discouraged because I think for the first time I was doing everything right. I was hitting the gym, tracking what I ate on Weightwatchers.com and I still wasn't losing. So I went to the doc, got put on some new meds, did some things different and the weight started to come off. I could breathe a little better, then.



My faith has a lot to do with my journey. It's NOT just a weight thing. It's a mental, spiritual along with a physical journey. It's a journey that needs to take me thorough the rest of my life. God is an awesome God, and I need to honor him with my mind, heart and body. He's only given me one, after all. :0)



Life is given so that we can live, love, laugh, worship, dance, cry...everything that makes up this awesome, sometimes crazy, almost always beautiful life. Being the weight I was a year and a half ago, there's no way I could say I was living. I was failing out of school, getting out of bed to only go to work and school, had an eating disorder with no faith of recovery, and was in a relationship that I shouldn't have been in. My non-relationship with God along with my weight and depression was the reason I wasn't living. As I face 2011...I'm in a much better place! I'm closer to God than I've ever been in my life. I treasure the relationships close to me and I make an effort to actually LIVE life. I'm a long way from where I need to be and crave to be, but I'm getting there, step by step.



I'm blessed, more than I have any right to be. I have the most beautiful family ever, the most amazing, loving friends, a couple great jobs, the chance to work out a gym and a great place to take a Zumba class a couple times a week.



This year is MY YEAR! I can't wait to hit my goal weight this year. I believe in myself and I believe that with God's never failing love and belief in me...I can be healthy and finally LOVE ME. I'm looking forward to spending time with my best friends, including some that I've reconnected with, and some new ones! One of my bestie's weddings and meeting her new addition to her family later this year, a trip to Universal Studio's in June with a guy I've fallen in love with. Also showing my parents and those around me that I'm not the weak, dependent, person they think I am. I have the ability to stand up on my own two feet and I take responsibility for the things I need to. I'm showing myself all the time that I can do things I never thought I'd be able to do.



WEIGHT UPDATE: OK here goes....I started off January 2011 at 249 pounds. I finished it at 239 pounds. I lost 10 pounds!!! TOTAL LOSS: 70 pounds!! Those 10 pounds came off with sweat, tears, laughs and a couple *grr's* along the way. lol



My goal for February is to see the number 238 on the scale..and surpass it by 10 pounds * 238 is my lowest weight as an adult* , to go to 2-3 Zumba classes a week, do 45 minutes of cardio a total of 4 days a week. I hope to strength train 2 days a week. I'm still on weight watchers so that covers my food part....which is still "under construction".



I'm so blessed in this life. I'm more blessed than I have a right to be. My God knows the desires of my heart, and with a little patience and prayer....I'm praying all will work out. :)



Thank You all for your love, support, encouraging words and big hugs...I appreciate it all!!



Love each other and yourselves!! You are worth soooo much! :)



See you at the end of February!!!

Looking UP..and forward, once again....

WOW...It's been quite a while since I've seen this screen. I haven't written a blog since the end of August. That's crazy! I decided in the beginning that I was going to write once a month, whether good or bad came out of the month. Well, that was before I decided to take some time off *cough* slack *cough*... for about 3 months. Now, it's not like I needed the time, considering that the summer was pretty much a "Butterfly Journey" vacation. When I got on the scale in September I discovered I had put over 20 pounds back on!!!! Yep, not just 5 or 10 back... more than 20 insanely stupid pounds. I was so frustrated, sad and mad and everything in between. I felt defeated. Somewhere along this journey I gave up and didn't care.....I had lost my "fight".

As I try and say every time I write, I'm blessed! More than I can possibly express. Life is good! It's changed, like it usually does. But, when I remember where I've been and where I am NOW, in the present, LIFE IS SOO GOOD. God is an amazing God and I praise Him for allowing His hard headed, some times impatient, good hearted child to come back to where she belongs. It's taken me far too long to realize how far I strayed, and it took my "special buddy", to help bring me back to my faith. And no matter what God means to happen with my "special buddy" and I...I will always be grateful to him for truly leading me back to God. I'll get into that guest of the month later.....but back to the topic at hand. :)

When I last posted at the end of August, I was kidding myself to think that my mind was back where it needed to be. I wanted it to be there, but I know now...I wasn't even close. I didn't start going to the gym again and it would take another two months before my mind would be in the place it needed to be to kick my butt into gear. I do have to say I regret all the time I "wasted" in between May and October. Although, I see now that it allowed me to be grateful for the journey I'm on and realize that I can see this through and get to where I need to be. I'm excited for the road ahead. I believe that has to do with getting back to my faith and also finding the "inner strength" inside of me. I know I can't do this without God, my family, my friends and MYSELF. I have to take responsibility and remember that it's mind over matter. The only things that excuses accomplish are wasting time, and lying to myself.

To say that I'm already 100% back to working out and finally have my eating on a normal schedule would be lying. So, I'm not gonna tell you that. I've been making changes, changes that I know need to last for life, not just for the journey. I've achieved 77 days of "soda sobriety". That in itself is a big thing for me. So it's back to water and Chick-fil-a Diet Lemonade, sometimes tea. Eating is still a daily struggle and I know it's gonna take some time to get to where I feel comfortable with food to have a "normal" relationship with it. To help with that I re-joined Weight Watchers for the 100th time *it seems* on the 16th October. I knew I needed help developing a normal schedule and also to, tell me what to eat. WW gives me a guide and, tracking my food helps with losing. Tracking my food gives me a sense of control and stability. On 29 November, the whole program changed and now is the "Points Plus" system. I'm still getting used to having even more points to eat, and what each food's new point value is, but I'm getting there slowly. I haven't gone to a meeting since Points Plus started, so I need to get back to that. Accountability is important, and I forgot that along the line somewhere. As far as the gym goes, well....I started going back and know that I need to get a weekly/monthly schedule going for my workouts. I miss the weights and know I need the cardio and strength training combined to get the weight off.

As I said, life is good and I'm so incredibly blessed! My health is ok, it's been worse...so I'm blessed to be where I am now. Migranes are still there, my asthma has been acting up and that's been difficult to deal with since having to do double doses of breathing treatments knock a lot out of me. But, you do what you gotta do! :) Work is good. I'm subbing with the county still and working Birch as well. School is school. I can't wait for Spring Semester to start. I'm so thankful to be able to get an education and as much as I could kick myself for not being done with it already, I know I'm heading the right direction and am excited for the end result to come.

I've also been trying to be patient and wait for God to send the man after His own heart, to come steal mine, so that's been interesting. My "special buddy" has been in my life for quite some time. We sent little emails to each other but I never thought much about it because of the distance. After a 5 hour conversation followed by many 4 hour conversations, in early November I boarded a plane to WA to go see him. It was a good weekend, and we're "friends" waiting to see where God takes this "long distance thing". The door is still open though....for who ever God wants to bring through it. As I said earlier, I have to thank my "special buddy" for bringing me back to my faith. During our first 5 hour conversation, I brought up my youth group, and it all started there. A couple conversations later, we decided to start bible studies over the phone. That's been awesome and I've remembered I have an identity in God and no matter what happens with my "special buddy" and I...God has my heart and life in His hands.

So, my "Butterfly journey" has had some ups and downs over the last 7 months. I've lost 14 pounds *of what I gained back* since the beginning of October, so I'm excited to see that I'm back on track and 9 pounds away from my lowest weight. So here it goes.... I started this journey at 309 pounds, my lowest weight was 238 pounds, I'm now 246. That's a total of 63 pounds lost.

Even in all the frustration and time lost, I'm so grateful and blessed to be where I am now. I find myself making different choices than I did before. My endurance is so much more than it was before and it makes me smile when I realize the difference. Walking in NYC in the beginning of December was just one light bulb moment. I remember a couple years ago, going up there and being very winded trying to keep up and hating to walk because of that, and this time it was like a whole new world. I wasn't getting winded at all, and I enjoyed being active. The only thing about NYC that I don't like AT ALL...are the crowds. Holy mackral my anxiety was through the roof...but I moved past it, and lived in the moment of being in NYC at Christmas time and got through it fine. :) Another example is that when I went to Old Town, Alexandria the other day, I PURPOSELY parked about 5-6 blocks down the street, so I'd have to WALK to get to where I needed to go. Yes it was cold *bearable* and yes I had to go up hill to get there, but it was so awesome to feel that difference in ME from before to now. I would've paid whatever I needed, to pay to park as close as I could, before the weight was gone. I'm now wanting to complete a 5k than a 10k and know I can do that and more. Getting healthy and walking/jogging for a good cause....can't get much better than that!

I'm starting again..... I'm starting from here and gonna keep going. God has a plan for His girl and I can't wait to see what it is! Being blessed with great family, awesome friends and everything else is worth it and more.

As always, THANK YOU for the hugs, love, prayers and support. I love your smiles, warm hearts and presence and thank God that each of you is in my life for the long haul. You are awesome and such a blessing! God Bless y'all!!

"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person." ~Audrey Hepburn

Ending of the summer...and new beginning of my Journey.

And here it is....the end of August. Still amazes me how quickly this summer went by.

I know I'm writing this before the official end of August, but in my mind..I'm already moving on so why not! And nothing new is gonna happen in the next 3 days that's worth blogging anyways...at least, I don't think so. lol

Well, this month was the continuation of giving up and "mind field trip" exactly the way July ended. I had to get real with myself and those around me, who have invested time and energy and caring into my journey, just as I have- about why I let myself down. To make excuses would be pointless and another way of lying to avoid the guilt trip. And that definitely can't happen anymore!

Anyways, August started off pretty well. I was still taking summer classes and loving every second of it! It's a blessing to be able to get an education and I try and remember that every time I get an assignment I want to throw out the window. :) I worked a bunch in August and that was great. Bella was forever faithful in getting me to everywhere I had to be so that's a great thing. And "City Boy" and I were still trying to make a go of it. <--that's a whole other story... :)

The negative aspects all had to do with the journey, along with some other things, life threw my way. The gym was a foreign place to me even though I still craved to go, but couldn't drag myself there and put in the effort. The food, holy mackral...O.K. There's no good part about the food. I found McDonald's Smoothies and talked myself into thinking they were healthy....so I would go on 1 smoothie a day for a couple days at a time...Yeah, I know. Big mistake and what in the world was I thinking of McDonald's and healthy in the same sentence. Ok, so after I found out those had 70 grams of sugar in them. I felt sick. uggh. So along with the smoothies, I kept drinking the sodas I had started drinking the month before when city boy was here. Yeah, I know...Soda sobriety mission ...TERMINATED! So, the quantity still was extremely minimal, but it was all crap. Breakfast was a no go, lunch I would eat sometimes. And the nightmare of dinner...Nachos from work. I ate those quite a few times. I ate a lot, not all, and paid for it later. Yep, I knew better.

Now, the 2nd half of the month....School was over, so I had no excuse NOT to hit the gym again. Did I?! Nope. I've still been working a great amount, which I am happy about. I'm blessed to have a job where the people are my 2nd family, and they love eating my baked goods. lol Yep, I had some marathon baking sessions which means one of two things. Boredom or issues...If you guessed #2, you were right. The beginning of the long distance relationship I was in, hit a brick wall. But, as I realized, it would've never worked out, *thanks to the advice from some family and my "Box ofc Angels" and "Older brother I never had" lol I'm happy, loved and blessed. It's all good and I'm more motivated than I've ever been!!! I'm soo excited to see where life leads from here!!

So starting in September 2010, I am rededicating myself to my "Butterfly Journey". I've come incredibly far*losing over 60 pounds* and am too determined to stop now. Life is too short to quit dreaming, living and loving. I still need and want to get to know me and fall in love with me, beyond the fat. Staying positive and determined will keep me going on this journey through the months ahead. With college starting up, going back to subbing and Birch, and still dating..it's gonna be an adventure, that's for sure! Not to mention, getting my body out of starvation mode, and FINALLY getting back to the gym!!

I'm not gonna end this blog with my weight for the month. I know I said I'd be honest and I always have been. But this month, I'm gonna let it lie. I've beat myself up enough, and what good does it do to post all my mistakes in that number. I'll take the number off the scale on the 1st of September and start again from there. My new goal, beyond the numbers is to be in a size 14 or lower by 31 December. The weight will come off and I'll learn to grow beyond the scale.

To my incredible family and friends, you are amazing. To the ones that listen and make me smile/laugh, thank you. To the ones that care and allow me to care for them, you mean the world.

I'll see you at the end of September!!

Summer Marches On.....

I can't believe that summer and July went by as quickly as it did and that we're halfway done with August. WOW!

Life is good, it really is. I'm keeping an eye on my health and blood counts like I should be, keeping docs appts and taking meds like I should too. So that part is going OK, BUT I let myself kinda give up for a lil bit in July and through August. My eating was off most of the month, only met with Jojo once, cardio...what's that?! After 2 months of my weight stabilizing and not doing a thing... I just got frustrated enough to not put any effort into it. I put my effort into other things, like school, work and my social life. I think that's part of the reason my weight is stabilizing like it is...My past has shown that when I put more effort into one thing, I slack in other areas. I believe that when my classes picked up, I unintentionally put more energy and effort into getting that done, and when juggling school and work along with everything else...cardio was forgotten and I had to cancel on Jojo because of work. It was too easy to let the "journey" go since I had gone "full force" on it for so long. I'm disappointed that I've let myself go, like I have. It was just a stumbling block that I can learn how to get past, and I will..NO doubt about it.

July was a pretty busy month. Started off with one of my favorite holiday's *The 4th* and then my 27th Birthday, which was a great weekend, I got to see Tim McGraw and Lady A with my bestie! Went to see my Blue Crabs play *not enough though* :( lol Had a visit from my "City Boy" in the middle of the month, and went down to NC with Bear, before he redeployed to get some closure. I worked a lot and was still taking classes, which took up a good amount of time. As you're seeing July brought both new beginnings and reasons to smile and endings to finally get some closure, so my emotions this month have been ALL over the place. :) I'm still figuring out how much stronger I am now, and how I am changing *for the better*.

I'm realizing I'm really NOT the same person I was. I'm starting to do what I've always wanted to do...get to know me without the fat. I'm starting now, since 67 pounds of it is gone, and I have a feeling it's gonna take a while. I'm getting to know who I really am, and actually going for what I want in life, love and just in general. I'm not gonna figure it out overnight, or in a month. And to be completely honest...some people aren't gonna like it. I'm already figuring that out....

I'm not a doormat or a pushover. I can't stand drama or people who cause it. I love that it's the little things that make me smile. I'm still trying to figure out how to forgive and forget. I've made mistakes and hurt people and I'm trying to make up for it now. I believe in Karma and that no good deed is overlooked. I'm letting go of toxic people in my life, no matter who they are. I believe in being grateful and appreciating what you have already been blessed with. I'm craving to do more volunteer work and start giving back, I'm hoping to volunteer more very soon. I bake for others because it's just one more way of giving/sharing love to those I care about. When I say "I Love You" I mean it. I try and keep a positive outlook all the time because life is too short for wallowing in self pity. I'm blessed to have the opportunity to get an education, and can't wait to see where it leads me. I wish I had learned to be "financially smart" earlier in life. I take responsibility for my mistakes, not anyone elses! My self esteem is still really low, but I'm trying to figure out a way to change that. I hurt when I see other people who are more overweight than I am and it makes me sad because I know what that pain feels like.

When I finished June I had gained a pound and was at 242.5. When I finished July...I was at the SAME WEIGHT! My clothes are still fitting better and the 18 denim skirt I got from Old Navy is big on me, so I know I'm losing inches, which was awesome! My goal is to be 199.5 or lower by 31 Dec 2010. God willing, hard work and Jojo's patience, I'll do it!!

I remember saying, "I'm not gonna change, I'll just be smaller" I'm grateful that's not true. I'm working on being a better person, inside and out.

Can this be anymore frustrating!!

As I was going through my mid July changes to show great results I realized I hadn't written my June update.

June was just another month....nothing new really. School (job) ended, so I found myself with only working at Birch. Jojo still kicked my butt and was the keeper of my sanity, and the cardio was still a part of my routine. See..nothing new...

Eating, like always, still remains to be a daily struggle. That's no big surprise, but it gets old. According to Jojo, I'm still not eating enough, which could be one of the reasons my weight didn't move the whole month of June!! OH MY GOODNESS..I can't stand it!! I'm trying my best to do what I need to do. I'm on month 6 of my "soda sobriety". I don't drink any sodas of any kind, regular or diet. In addition, I gave up the sweet tea and stuck with my favorite 5o calorie diet lemonade *made with Splenda* from Chic fil a, if I need a change. Water with lemon is necessary, but can get boring. :)

My body is changing, I do know that. The strength training is paying off and I need to remember that, but good gravy it's hard. I don't see the change in my body that others are noticing, I still see myself as "really big" even though I know parts of me are smaller. My arms and legs have changed, I know that. I've gained muscle and I love every minute of it. My endurance has risen and that is awesome. Cardio is fun, because I can push myself farther than I have in the past.

I'm blessed and I try to remember that multiple times every day. I'm truly blessed beyond measure. My mind along with my body is still a work in progress and will be for the next year or so, but I have the support that's needed to see me through it.


The weight part is the part I hate admitting...and like Jojo always reminds me, it's the inches that he cares about. I haven't measured inches since I was at Jenny Craig years ago, and I wish that I had at the beginning of my journey. As a life long "fluffy" girl, I have been so used to measuring and keeping track of my successes via the number on the scale. So when I see in the past 2 months that the number hasn't moved or GONE UP! It's frustrating!! I try to never forget where I've come from and where I am now...nor where I'm headed. I'm excited and a lil scared about the life that is ahead of me. I started out this month at 241.5, i ended the month at 242.5, so I gained a pound. I don't know if it's because of the muscle/fat ratio, or because my body is still in starvation mode. I just don't know.

This journey is still an obsession in my life, and I've come to realize it will always be in my mind. I will ALWAYS have to monitor the things I eat, the amount of exercise I maintain and my general mindset. This journey is definitely a life long journey. It's a common one for a lot of people, but I'm praying I have the strength to "motor on through". I never want to get back up to 309 pounds and be as unhappy as I was. I'm still working on the happiness and loving myself part of this whole thing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy. Life is GOOD!! God is good!! I love school, blessed to have a job, family that I love, friends I adore, and am getting more and more "comfortable" in the dating scene. I'm getting my priorities straight and praying for the best. But there are obviously still times when I get down on myself. Regretting my past is a waste of time since some of my choices have made me who I am today. I would definitely do things differently if I could. I'm staying around positive people and trying to avoid negative situations and people in my life.

Life is too short to deal with drama and people who are negative and discouraging ALL THE TIME! I have patience, but when people don't want to help themselves get out of the life that they don't like....there's only so much I can do. I love my family and friends, but I HAVE TO WATCH OUT FOR ME, too!

I saw a quote recently on an Eating Disorders Recovery FB status from Mary Kay Ash, that said "If you think you can, you can. If you think you can't, you're right." What a simple statement that is incredibly true, and worth putting on a bathroom mirror. :)

I'm feeling ok with how July is going so far, I am. But that'll have to wait til my next monthly update. :)

Thanks for reading, y'all!!

May turned into "Confession Month"

As I said in the beginning of my "journey", I have to be completely honest with myself and everyone around me for this to work. I've been pretty open and honest, up til now. I also thought I was handling things pretty well so far too. Apparently, I was wrong....


May started out a little different than the other previous months. In mid April, I started noticing I was feeling more depressed than normal, and I know I don't like who I am when I'm depressed. Well, I figured it was just a bump in the road that would pass. It did, but it was a bigger bump than I thought, and it lasted for about a month. By Mother's Day, I was done with everything. I didn't want to get out of bed at all. I would go to work, stopped going to the gym for days at a time, and didn't want to talk to anybody. Those who saw me, wouldn't of thought anything was wrong. I realized that the reason I was becoming more and more depressed was because I was harboring a secret from EVERYONE. Those who know me, know how stubborn I can be. And know how I will "try" to deal with things on my own without asking for help. Well, this time it backfired on me and I ended up needing someone to know. My secret came out in a way that was more scary than I would've liked.


Mid-May I went to my training session with Joey. I was happy to be back with him, since I had missed about a week with him, mainly because I cancelled on him and he was travelling. Well, about a half hour into the training session, I started to get lightheaded and very dizzy. My muscles completely tensed up, couldn't move and vision was gone. I passed out because I was dehydrated. I was dehydrated because in the past 2 months I had been mixing my non eating habits with diuretics and laxatives. In all the questions from the paramedics, it all came out. I was scared, but at the same time, I felt relieved that it was finally out that I had a problem.


I've never had a healthy relationship with food, EVER. I either ate too much of it, or not enough of it. About the time I hit the 20 pounds lost mark, I've been afraid the weight's going to come back on. About this time, I started losing my appetite. I just wasn't hungry, really. I would go days and not eat and I "felt ok". That started the dangerous pattern of not eating for days. I learned that my body can go days without food. I would drink massive amounts of water and my "food" when I actually chose to eat, was sugar free foods and no calorie foods in very small quantities. I still weigh EVERY DAY, two or three times a day.


This journey has become an obsession.I think about it NON STOP. I'm so scared this weight is going to come back, my eating disorder just gained momentum and became more dangerous. I have to call Joey and ask him if a peach is ok for a snack or eat the "Sugar Free" Peaches in the fridge. I'm the gym, more times than I'm out of it and I hit the gym if I eat something "bad".


My parents and Joey, asked me why I started the laxatives. I knew that I could drop "weight" by using the laxatives. What started out as once a week use, became something I used every day. I didn't realize I was also depleting my body of any water intake as well as electrolytes that can effect my heart. Even now, I wish I could tell you that I threw them away and will never use them again. I can't. I can't promise that and keep my word. Which is why I'm getting help from a doctor who specializes in Eating Disorders. I haven't met with her yet, but I pray she'll be able to teach me what no one has been able too yet. I'm actually eating, I have to eat in front of people and can't throw food away until my plate gets checked. I'm making an effort to eat a couple bites of food I know is healthy. I'm still at the gym every day for an hour or more, and am actually OFF THE GATORADE!!! I can now drink water during my workouts and I feel incredible afterwards!! Amazing what a little food and a break with the diuretics can do. I know..I know..not funny.


Don't get me wrong, LIFE IS GOOD! I know I'm blessed!! I have 2 jobs I love. I have the best family and friends a girl could ask for including a trainer who refuses to give up on me. I'm even starting to live life again. I know I have to take the time to take care of me, and get my health straighted out, but I'm enjoying the girls nights out with my bestie and dating when the opportunity arises. Even I didn't expect this to be any part of my "Butterfly Journey", but now that it is, I need to take care of it and "keep on, keepin' on". I have the right to be proud of myself for the parts of my journey I completed in a healthy manner and worked my butt off for. I know I do. I've lost a great amount of weight, so far. I know I still have a long way to go, and now that I'm learning to take it "One Step At a Time" as the Jordin Sparks song says, things will go a lil better, I have to believe that.


My weight started out this month at 249. I am now at 241.5. That's 7.5 lbs for the month of May and 67.5 pds all together. I have to be ok with that. My body is adjusting to a more healthy lifestyle, after months of depriving it of what it needed. I know I can take off the next 2.5 pounds to hit the 70 pd. mark. And then hopefully and God willing I can take my body down to 229 by the end of June.

Until next time, I'll leave this quote that I got off the ED website....

No road (to recovery), is too long for him who advances slowly and does not hurry, and no attainment is beyond his reach who equips himself with patience to achieve it.
~Jean de La Bruyere

Keep on Rollin....

April ended just as quickly as it got here. It's amazing how quickly 2010 is going by us. It was a busy month, and another month full of changes and realizations.

I know how blessed I am. I am grateful and amazed how much so, sometimes. Life has it's ups and downs, and the obstacles we don't think we're ever gonna be able to get through, but life goes on and those obstacles pass. As this journey continues to progress, I am learning more about myself and about life. We only get once chance to live the life God gives us on earth. And it goes by too fast, to allow the thoughts and judgements of others control how I live it. My life is mine to live. God knows, I'm not perfect, he made me that way. Only He understands a "heart like mine", and He loves me anyways. It's not my place or my right to judge others, so it's amazing how they think they can judge me. At 26, I am just starting to LIVE life. Smiling and laughing at every opportunity, keeping a positive attitude *unless a girl in a Trailblazer cuts in front of me, almost hitting my car.* :)

April was another month with ups and downs. I missed about 2 weeks at the gym with JoJo, either because I was sick, or had work/school stuff to do. I got back on with him and started going more regular, the last week of the month. It felt really good to get back. It's amazing that a place I hated going to, is now the place I run to when I need to think or need to work off frustrations. I love being able to go. For example, the other night I was having relationship issues and I knew if I did my normal "baking therapy", I would've eaten the cookie dough *minus the choc chips, since I don't like chocolate*. lol So I ran in my room, grabbed my clothes and at 2230, I walked in the gym, and told Jojo what was going on. Got on that treadmill, then on the bike and worked everything I was thinking off. I was in the gym for 2 hours that day, and it felt great. It gave me such a powerful feeling to know that I MADE the decision to do something active, me, myself and I made that decision. WOW, how awesome.

Now, in all this positive energy, and attitude...don't think I have overcome all the negative energy. I haven't. I still have my moments where I go back into that depressed mode, and it scares me...because I know what my life was like, during that time. The difference now is that I know there's another ME, that I like better. And my self esteem will go up as the weight comes off, and I can teach myself to see myself and life's choices differently. It won't be easy to change my thought process, but it'll be worth it in the end!

Between dating, going back to subbing, STILL not eating enough and not being able to go to the gym...I didn't think I'd do as well this month, and didn't weigh in for 2 weeks. That whole not eating thing is a hard habit to break. I swear Jojo is gonna kill me one of these days...bless his heart, he tries to get me to eat, ANYTHING. lol And now I even freak out over having to drink the Gatorade. Now, this is a no no, because I have to drink it during my workouts to keep my blood sugar up, or I get introduced to the floor. That was a scary experience, and one I'd rather not repeat. But I'm doing better with the eating thing, and when I learned that because my metabolism is FINALLY starting to speed up, I need to eat..in order to lose. It's given me a different perspective. It'll get easier..I know it will. :)

Now onto the weight part. I started off this month at 259...I ended April at 249. So a total of 10 pounds lost for the month, and 60 pounds total!!! Amazing!

Can't wait to see what May brings...God is GOOD! Life is GOOD!

In like a lion...out like a lioness... :)

Oh where do I start?! March was INSANE!! God is soo good! Lots of changes some great some not so great. March started off with a bang literally. :) As most know, while driving down 210, my car decided to die on me. So, my baby was donated to Purple Heart, and I found a 2007 Ford Mustang, that is so much fun to drive. This was truly the month of new beginnings. First a car, than a job opportunity that has turned into a job that I adore!! My hours are ideal. I work 0600 to 1400 everyday, which means I'm in bed by 2030 and up by 0400 *out the door by 0450*. It's been an adjustment for sure, but it's been worth it!
The only downfall to the new life is trying to find the energy for the gym and staying motivated with my schooling. Joey, my angel, found time in his schedule, and we ended up switching gyms and times so that I'm not working out on Monday night's anymore. We now meet at WG in Prince Frederick~10 minutes down the road from where I work, and will still meet on Friday's at 1530. I also go during the week/weekends to do my cardio, and will slowly work that back in to more days a week.
Another one of the not so good changes, was that I picked up the habit of not eating again. This is a habit I developed in October and my body got so used to it, that starvation mode was normal for me. Well, this month as I picked up the nasty habit, I gained 6 pounds of "fluids" that Jojo said would come off WHEN I started eating again..and I'll be..he was right.
My weight at the beginning of this month was 261. Got down to 259, and then gained the 6 pounds. Before I gained that weight...I HIT 50 POUNDS LOST!!!! I'm back down to 259. That's insane!! My body is changing so much, the inches are just coming right off. I've gone from a size 26 to a size 18!! I haven't been in the "teens" since about 8th grade. I'm in XL shirts and can now shop in Old Navy and Target in the normal women's sections!!! I'm so excited!!!
I've also been having fun dating. I've met some great guys, and am having fun just chatting, going out and enjoying being 26. :) My ex and I are working towards getting our friendship back. The Marines are helping him and it seems to be doing a lot of good! I'm proud of him but I know that we won't ever be back to what we were before. I'm still working on being ok with that. I know what I deserve and am learning to "Love yourself like gold, and expect others to love you like platinum." ~Jojo quote :)

As always, I'm very thankful and blessed to have the family and friends that I do. You have been incredible to have with me during my "Butterfly Journey".

If you have something that you're trying to achieve...DON'T EVER GIVE UP!! You are worth the fight and challenge it may take for you to achieve your dreams and goals!!

End of February..ALREADY!

As I sit here on 1 March, I can't believe February went by as fast as it did. WOW. It was a good month overall. :) Subbing, school, and the gym was on hold all during the incredible amount of snow we got for the first part of February. So the end of the month was all trying to get back into the swing of things. During all this my ex worked his way back in the picture, so dealing with that has been an interesting ride. I've changed...we both have, but to lose 10 years of a best friend and a relationship is a hard pill to swallow. Life will work out the way it's supposed to. Keeping a positive outlook on life and making sure I don't stray from my goal has been key this month. For those who've been asking..my health is good. I've been keeping up with my annual appointments for scans and blood work so nothing can sneak up on me. I never want to hear the diagnosis I got 2 1/2 years ago...scary stuff. Any who...
February was a positive month as far as the eating and fitness goes. The middle of the month I went to one of my old friends from the old gym..and asked if he could train me. I could've done it myself, but no one gets the kind of progress from me that I'm looking for, except for my trainers. He's been a God-send and I actually look forward to seeing him at the end of my day! We work out twice a week, Monday's @ 2100 and Friday's @ 1530. It's been awesome to get to work out with the boys again. My competitive nature wakes right up..it's an awesome feeling!! Eating was interesting...I'm still trying to tell myself it's OK to eat. Somewhere over the course of the last 7 months, I had talked myself into not eating very much because I would just gain weight. My head was messed up when it came to eating. Joey looked at my food journal and said it sucked because I wasn't eating enough. I had to tell him, how scared I was that I was going to gain the weight back. It's not a great feeling, but I'm getting over it. Now when I'm mixing my cardio with strength training and writing down EVERY THING that I put in my mouth, I'm a little more confident about being able to eat the right things and still lose. I never paid much attention to calories or sugar..or ingredients..because I just didn't care! Now I know I HAVE to have control over what I eat in order for this to work.
Now down to the weight....I started February out at 269. As of 1 March, I'm now 261.5. That's 7.5 pounds lost in a month, and 47.5 all together!!!
Now that's progress!!! And it's only the beginning!!

Like normal..I'm very blessed and thankful for my family and my incredible friends who have given me encouragement and amazing support throughout the first "documented" 3 months of this journey. THANK YOU!! I LOVE YOU more than you'll EVER know!!
Have an awesome March y'all!!

A new way of thinking...or is it...

As it's now the 1st of February I've come to realize that habits and trains of thought are a little harder to reverse, than I previously thought. Don't get me wrong, I know my frame of mind when it comes to what I will and will not tolerate, has changed~ a lot. I'm too old for games and drama and instead of putting up with it...I move away and avoid it. My determination when it comes to school is so far up on the scale it amazes me. I LOVE going to school! I love being able to sit in class and learn. I've remembered, that I cannot live my life with God pushed in the back of it anymore. I know, I know....what was I thinking?!?! And honestly, I don't know. He's always been there with me, letting me know it's OK and guiding me the right way...when my *hardheaded, independent side* gets the better of me and wants to go down the wrong one. He has blessed me with such amazing people in my life that I know my "cup runneth over".
At one of the first "hit a dead end" times in my life, I had an amazing lady help me with many things that I was going through. She was my saving grace and I don't thank God for her half as much as I should. She pulled me out of a dark hole that I couldn't get out of. She got me used to receiving and giving hugs again, and after the relationship I had been in and things I'd been through..I never thought I'd let someone touch me again. She gave me a hug when we said hello and when I'd leave. She taught me a lot and helped me learn a lot too. I remember sitting there and she said "If you want to play the role of "victim" go ahead. I can't help you, if that's how you want to stay. It's a very self-involved way of thinking." Well, my 21 year old self thought about that, and I decided I didn't want to "play the victim" anymore. How self involved it really was and when said out loud, how pathetic it sounded?! Wow. I've NEVER, EVER forgotten those words or the many other words of wisdom she shared with me.
As I told you before, I grew up being a "fluffy" kid. Along with that, comes some not so good things. Including peers who didn't know compassion, and made fun of someone else because they looked different than them and maybe wasn't as smart. It makes me so sad, to think of the girl that didn't understand why kids didn't like her. Who learned not to trust ANYONE because people who pretended to be her "friends" used and abused the fact that she would have done ANYTHING for those so called "friends". Inviting her over for a "pool party" and then getting out when she got in, and if that wasn't bad enough... throwing her stuff in the the pool. Inviting her to a "party" and then telling her to take (sneak) food out of her refrigerator, that her parents bought...not realizing she was supplying all the food for the pretend "party". That girl who learned to go into a room and walk down a hall with her head down, looking towards the floor, not able to look people in the eyes because she didn't want to see the people who were making fun of her...hearing it was bad enough. That's what I can't forget. I can't forget people who said they were my "friends" laughing at me and whispering about the fat girl, even during my 8th and 9th grade years at private school. So now, as a 26 year old college student sitting in the computer lab at school..minding my own business..I hear 2 ignorant 19-20 y/o girls "laughing and whispering about the fat girl". Pathetic isn't it. And it SUCKS to learn that, that when those girls are laughing I can't just shrug it off. It shouldn't matter, they shouldn't matter. I heard this said "What other people think of you, is none of your business" I agree with that and normally have no problems remembering that. This time I've had a harder time shaking it off.
The great thing that comes out of all this...It just fuels the fire to get this weight off finally. I'll weigh in before going to the gym later today. January wasn't the best month....I didn't get to the gym as much as I should've and I didn't eat so good either. So i'll take this new month as a new start. I'm SOO not taking my January issues into February. :) This is GOING to happen. For once in my life, I'm going to start loving myself WHILE I love the others in my life. I can do both. I'm worth it. I know I've gained about 2 pounds this month while dealing with the "demons in my mind". Thank GOD for the jewels in my life that make me smile and to see their smiles and feel their hugs makes my heart overflow. My cup truly runneth over!

Thanks for letting me vent and riding along this ever changing ride, that God willing, will create a beautiful Butterfly for this journey called life.

Have a wonderful February. "BE the change you wish to see in the world" ~Gandhi

End of a year....onto new beginnings...

A little over a month later, I thought it was time to do an update... It amazes me the different mind set I have now compared to many years before. It's a great thing-don't get me wrong, but I'm not exactly sure why. Because I've grown up? Because I finally realized that my forehead, does not in fact say "Welcome" across it, or because I've FINALLY realized that I deserve more than what I've been allowing myself. I've always had a little piece of "fearless" in me-mostly when I hang out with the boys *blame it on the competitive, hard headed Irish side*, but I figured out, that if I dig into that part of me a little more--I can accomplish anything. Along with being fearless, finding the motivation also helps. Motivation isn't created or fuled by just myself. I have my awesome family that can drive me crazy sometimes...but when I remember that they do things in the name of love..it becomes easier to take and listen to. Not to mention my incredible friends who are there for me and love me despite my talent for hiding I seem to do every so often. Thank You my loves!

School is now over * until next semester* and my grades were a welcome beginning to Winter Break. I got a B in both of my classes. I am pretty pleased with myself and know that I worked hard this semester. It was interesting going back with this new mindset. I loved going to class. I loved getting my papers and tests back, seeing my hardwork pay off. Can't wait until next semester. Classes are set. Bring on the homework.

Onto the real topic...As of this morning, 31 December 2009. My weight was 271 so I lost 10 pounds in the past month and 2 days, 2o pounds total since October. I can't wait to see myself transform in 2010. I'm not going to make weight loss long term "goals", anyone who knows me knows that if I do and I don't meet it...well nevermind. So I figure I'll set my "monthly goal" for 10 pounds. If I hit it "great", if I don't then I'll make up for it in the next month. Weight loss plan is as follows
1. Nutrisystem Meal Plan
2. 64 Oz of water daily
3. 5 days of cardio *2 days I'll add Strength Training* w/ 2 days off
4. Cut out sodas- make sweet tea using splenda
5. Getting 6-8 hrs of sleep a night.

I've also made some "Pounds Lost Incentives" so here goes-
20 pounds lost *already lost* full set mani
40 pounds = New Outfit for girls night out
60 pounds = New *first* tattoo
80 pounds= Spa day
100 pounds=New pair of Nike Shox

When I get to 100 pounds I'll think of some rewards for the last 50. If you have any ideas....shoot them my way.


To lose the weight will bring a healthier me. At 26, my knees shouldn't hurt the way they do. My asthma is bad enough, without having it come on by just walking up a hill. I just hope its not too late to reverse it.

Thanks y'all for the support! Looking forward to what 2010 brings!!

The History....

I was born a "solid" baby, was a chunky kid...so I've been "fluffy" my whole life. Along with the weight issues have come many emotional and health problems. I decided to do this blog about the rest of my journey to FINALLY get the weight off after being inspired by some awesome people who have been on the same journey as I am now. My life hasn't been all bad. I had a good childhood, with some great friends that I am still friends with to this day. I couldn't have gotten through some of the more bad times without them, and am grateful for them more than I can express. It's sad to look back now, because I realize what a massive effect, excuse the pun...my weight has had on my life. It's kept me back from a lot of things I should've experienced. And fueled the low self-esteem issues that got me into abusive relationships, toxic friendships, and started the fear of being around my own peers.
Some of the weight is because of genes..and I know that. Some of it is because I am and will probably always be an emotional eater. I am also someone who LOVES good food. I love the history, the process of making it, the smells and tasting something that can take you to heaven and back. :) But between bad habits, not so good circumstances and not exercising as much as I should be, my weight has climbed and climbed, with a few losses in between..for years now.
I'm hoping that with this blog...I, along with my great family and friends will be able to keep me accountable....you see, for the past 6 weeks..I haven't been eating much at all. Surprising huh. I eat maybe one meal a day if that, I'm just not hungry or interested. I've lost about 20 pounds *mini YEAH* but it's been done the wrong way! I'm not sure when this started exactly, and I don't know if it's because of the really bad breakup combined with death of some close *USMC and civilian* friends over the past 5 months finally catching up...I just don't know. It's time that I take advantage of the 2nd chance given to me when I heard the "C" diagnosis a lil over 2 years ago. I also want to get to know "me" without the weight and live the life I deserve to live.
My current weight is 281. My goal is 150. *Have to be honest with myself and everyone for this to work*
I don't have a time limit or a deadline. It's gonna come off the healthy way, with hard work and eating right. It's not always gonna be easy, but in the end I want to make me proud of what I've accomplished. Come along with me on my journey..I welcome your words of advice and encouragment, and maybe will be able to encourage someone else along the way.