As I said in the beginning of my "journey", I have to be completely honest with myself and everyone around me for this to work. I've been pretty open and honest, up til now. I also thought I was handling things pretty well so far too. Apparently, I was wrong....
May started out a little different than the other previous months. In mid April, I started noticing I was feeling more depressed than normal, and I know I don't like who I am when I'm depressed. Well, I figured it was just a bump in the road that would pass. It did, but it was a bigger bump than I thought, and it lasted for about a month. By Mother's Day, I was done with everything. I didn't want to get out of bed at all. I would go to work, stopped going to the gym for days at a time, and didn't want to talk to anybody. Those who saw me, wouldn't of thought anything was wrong. I realized that the reason I was becoming more and more depressed was because I was harboring a secret from EVERYONE. Those who know me, know how stubborn I can be. And know how I will "try" to deal with things on my own without asking for help. Well, this time it backfired on me and I ended up needing someone to know. My secret came out in a way that was more scary than I would've liked.
Mid-May I went to my training session with Joey. I was happy to be back with him, since I had missed about a week with him, mainly because I cancelled on him and he was travelling. Well, about a half hour into the training session, I started to get lightheaded and very dizzy. My muscles completely tensed up, couldn't move and vision was gone. I passed out because I was dehydrated. I was dehydrated because in the past 2 months I had been mixing my non eating habits with diuretics and laxatives. In all the questions from the paramedics, it all came out. I was scared, but at the same time, I felt relieved that it was finally out that I had a problem.
I've never had a healthy relationship with food, EVER. I either ate too much of it, or not enough of it. About the time I hit the 20 pounds lost mark, I've been afraid the weight's going to come back on. About this time, I started losing my appetite. I just wasn't hungry, really. I would go days and not eat and I "felt ok". That started the dangerous pattern of not eating for days. I learned that my body can go days without food. I would drink massive amounts of water and my "food" when I actually chose to eat, was sugar free foods and no calorie foods in very small quantities. I still weigh EVERY DAY, two or three times a day.
This journey has become an obsession.I think about it NON STOP. I'm so scared this weight is going to come back, my eating disorder just gained momentum and became more dangerous. I have to call Joey and ask him if a peach is ok for a snack or eat the "Sugar Free" Peaches in the fridge. I'm the gym, more times than I'm out of it and I hit the gym if I eat something "bad".
My parents and Joey, asked me why I started the laxatives. I knew that I could drop "weight" by using the laxatives. What started out as once a week use, became something I used every day. I didn't realize I was also depleting my body of any water intake as well as electrolytes that can effect my heart. Even now, I wish I could tell you that I threw them away and will never use them again. I can't. I can't promise that and keep my word. Which is why I'm getting help from a doctor who specializes in Eating Disorders. I haven't met with her yet, but I pray she'll be able to teach me what no one has been able too yet. I'm actually eating, I have to eat in front of people and can't throw food away until my plate gets checked. I'm making an effort to eat a couple bites of food I know is healthy. I'm still at the gym every day for an hour or more, and am actually OFF THE GATORADE!!! I can now drink water during my workouts and I feel incredible afterwards!! Amazing what a little food and a break with the diuretics can do. I know..I know..not funny.
Don't get me wrong, LIFE IS GOOD! I know I'm blessed!! I have 2 jobs I love. I have the best family and friends a girl could ask for including a trainer who refuses to give up on me. I'm even starting to live life again. I know I have to take the time to take care of me, and get my health straighted out, but I'm enjoying the girls nights out with my bestie and dating when the opportunity arises. Even I didn't expect this to be any part of my "Butterfly Journey", but now that it is, I need to take care of it and "keep on, keepin' on". I have the right to be proud of myself for the parts of my journey I completed in a healthy manner and worked my butt off for. I know I do. I've lost a great amount of weight, so far. I know I still have a long way to go, and now that I'm learning to take it "One Step At a Time" as the Jordin Sparks song says, things will go a lil better, I have to believe that.
My weight started out this month at 249. I am now at 241.5. That's 7.5 lbs for the month of May and 67.5 pds all together. I have to be ok with that. My body is adjusting to a more healthy lifestyle, after months of depriving it of what it needed. I know I can take off the next 2.5 pounds to hit the 70 pd. mark. And then hopefully and God willing I can take my body down to 229 by the end of June.
Until next time, I'll leave this quote that I got off the ED website....
No road (to recovery), is too long for him who advances slowly and does not hurry, and no attainment is beyond his reach who equips himself with patience to achieve it.
~Jean de La Bruyere
31 May 2010
01 May 2010
Keep on Rollin....
April ended just as quickly as it got here. It's amazing how quickly 2010 is going by us. It was a busy month, and another month full of changes and realizations.
I know how blessed I am. I am grateful and amazed how much so, sometimes. Life has it's ups and downs, and the obstacles we don't think we're ever gonna be able to get through, but life goes on and those obstacles pass. As this journey continues to progress, I am learning more about myself and about life. We only get once chance to live the life God gives us on earth. And it goes by too fast, to allow the thoughts and judgements of others control how I live it. My life is mine to live. God knows, I'm not perfect, he made me that way. Only He understands a "heart like mine", and He loves me anyways. It's not my place or my right to judge others, so it's amazing how they think they can judge me. At 26, I am just starting to LIVE life. Smiling and laughing at every opportunity, keeping a positive attitude *unless a girl in a Trailblazer cuts in front of me, almost hitting my car.* :)
April was another month with ups and downs. I missed about 2 weeks at the gym with JoJo, either because I was sick, or had work/school stuff to do. I got back on with him and started going more regular, the last week of the month. It felt really good to get back. It's amazing that a place I hated going to, is now the place I run to when I need to think or need to work off frustrations. I love being able to go. For example, the other night I was having relationship issues and I knew if I did my normal "baking therapy", I would've eaten the cookie dough *minus the choc chips, since I don't like chocolate*. lol So I ran in my room, grabbed my clothes and at 2230, I walked in the gym, and told Jojo what was going on. Got on that treadmill, then on the bike and worked everything I was thinking off. I was in the gym for 2 hours that day, and it felt great. It gave me such a powerful feeling to know that I MADE the decision to do something active, me, myself and I made that decision. WOW, how awesome.
Now, in all this positive energy, and attitude...don't think I have overcome all the negative energy. I haven't. I still have my moments where I go back into that depressed mode, and it scares me...because I know what my life was like, during that time. The difference now is that I know there's another ME, that I like better. And my self esteem will go up as the weight comes off, and I can teach myself to see myself and life's choices differently. It won't be easy to change my thought process, but it'll be worth it in the end!
Between dating, going back to subbing, STILL not eating enough and not being able to go to the gym...I didn't think I'd do as well this month, and didn't weigh in for 2 weeks. That whole not eating thing is a hard habit to break. I swear Jojo is gonna kill me one of these days...bless his heart, he tries to get me to eat, ANYTHING. lol And now I even freak out over having to drink the Gatorade. Now, this is a no no, because I have to drink it during my workouts to keep my blood sugar up, or I get introduced to the floor. That was a scary experience, and one I'd rather not repeat. But I'm doing better with the eating thing, and when I learned that because my metabolism is FINALLY starting to speed up, I need to eat..in order to lose. It's given me a different perspective. It'll get easier..I know it will. :)
Now onto the weight part. I started off this month at 259...I ended April at 249. So a total of 10 pounds lost for the month, and 60 pounds total!!! Amazing!
I know how blessed I am. I am grateful and amazed how much so, sometimes. Life has it's ups and downs, and the obstacles we don't think we're ever gonna be able to get through, but life goes on and those obstacles pass. As this journey continues to progress, I am learning more about myself and about life. We only get once chance to live the life God gives us on earth. And it goes by too fast, to allow the thoughts and judgements of others control how I live it. My life is mine to live. God knows, I'm not perfect, he made me that way. Only He understands a "heart like mine", and He loves me anyways. It's not my place or my right to judge others, so it's amazing how they think they can judge me. At 26, I am just starting to LIVE life. Smiling and laughing at every opportunity, keeping a positive attitude *unless a girl in a Trailblazer cuts in front of me, almost hitting my car.* :)
April was another month with ups and downs. I missed about 2 weeks at the gym with JoJo, either because I was sick, or had work/school stuff to do. I got back on with him and started going more regular, the last week of the month. It felt really good to get back. It's amazing that a place I hated going to, is now the place I run to when I need to think or need to work off frustrations. I love being able to go. For example, the other night I was having relationship issues and I knew if I did my normal "baking therapy", I would've eaten the cookie dough *minus the choc chips, since I don't like chocolate*. lol So I ran in my room, grabbed my clothes and at 2230, I walked in the gym, and told Jojo what was going on. Got on that treadmill, then on the bike and worked everything I was thinking off. I was in the gym for 2 hours that day, and it felt great. It gave me such a powerful feeling to know that I MADE the decision to do something active, me, myself and I made that decision. WOW, how awesome.
Now, in all this positive energy, and attitude...don't think I have overcome all the negative energy. I haven't. I still have my moments where I go back into that depressed mode, and it scares me...because I know what my life was like, during that time. The difference now is that I know there's another ME, that I like better. And my self esteem will go up as the weight comes off, and I can teach myself to see myself and life's choices differently. It won't be easy to change my thought process, but it'll be worth it in the end!
Between dating, going back to subbing, STILL not eating enough and not being able to go to the gym...I didn't think I'd do as well this month, and didn't weigh in for 2 weeks. That whole not eating thing is a hard habit to break. I swear Jojo is gonna kill me one of these days...bless his heart, he tries to get me to eat, ANYTHING. lol And now I even freak out over having to drink the Gatorade. Now, this is a no no, because I have to drink it during my workouts to keep my blood sugar up, or I get introduced to the floor. That was a scary experience, and one I'd rather not repeat. But I'm doing better with the eating thing, and when I learned that because my metabolism is FINALLY starting to speed up, I need to eat..in order to lose. It's given me a different perspective. It'll get easier..I know it will. :)
Now onto the weight part. I started off this month at 259...I ended April at 249. So a total of 10 pounds lost for the month, and 60 pounds total!!! Amazing!
Can't wait to see what May brings...God is GOOD! Life is GOOD!
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